ADHD - Can you relate?

Inside - out seems to be a popular term for ADHD'rs who want the world to know that we are who we are and in most cases, we are extremely sorry for it and how it affects those around us.

These books may help in understanding ADHD as well:

Is It you, me or ADHD?
You mean I'm not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy? - Kate Kelly and Peggy Ramundo
Honey, Are you Listening? - Dr. Rick Fowler & Jerilyn Fowler
Driven to Distraction - Dr. Hallowell

There are a few more, but thought these would get you started. There is tons of info on ADHD now more than before. I think a lot of us that were undiagnosed for years are finally looking for answers as to why we have had such a struggle in life. The loss of jobs, the loss of friendships, the inability to keep our home, finances and our lives in line with what is considered to be "Normal" has finally put a toll on our relationships, financial status or self esteem.

It's truly amazing at how many kids in my age bracket that went undiagnosed or mis-diagnosed for years. It's only after those around us finally give up on us, or something tramatic takes place that makes us take a long hard look at why we can't seem to fit in.

I'm fortunate than most that I had the parents I had, not to mention my siblings and family that have loved me through the worst of times. They are the ones that have kept me from going over the edge and have loved me through it all. Now as I learn more and grow with my disorder, they are the ones that appreciate me the most as well. They see the changes in me and in some cases are astonished at how well I cope with things now.

Part of that is that I just don't give a damn about what others think about me anymore. Well, not as much as I used to. I have this sense about me that I'm ok and that it's ok if people don't like me. But since adopting that persona, more people seem to be drawn to me. Funny how that works. I also am not afraid to accept my limitations and ask for help instead of steam rolling people. I think that has gone a lot further than I ever thought possible. I never realized how pushy I was or demanding. UGH... Makes me cringe to think back at how I appeared to others when I was in my work mode!

I've also started making my own rules about things that I can control. Especially when it comes to projects. Instead of having a ton of them going on all at once, I try and limit myself to only 3. And when I finish one, then I get to start another one. This keeps me interested in all three, but not over whelmed to where I just give up completely. There are many life skills that I've learned and have used for years that I'm bringing back to the forefront of my life. Things that worked for me when I was younger, but just set aside thinking I was "ok" and didn't need them anymore. Talk about a false sense of security. It was hard for me to admit that I need structure in my life, although I despise it immensely.

I also went back to my child hood to find out what my currency was. That is to say, what makes me feel appreciated enough so that I do finish things. What is my reward system for following through. That is a huge thing for most ADHD'rs. Once you find the currency for motivation, then you've hit the nail on the head. For me it was being able to have friends over or go out to play. My room had to be clean turned into the house being picked up. Having my chores done before I was allowed to go out to the movies or spend time with a book. Things like that have worked for me as well as buying stuff. Since I'm not working, the guilt from spending money we don't really have has been heavy on my heart. So I'm back into making things with all the stuff I already have. And believe me, I have tons of stuff. I've also decided to start giving things away or selling them if I haven't used them in the past 5 years. What's the point to having stuff when you die anyway? More crap for your family to sort out, like what happened when my Mom passed away.

So I get to be a blessing to others by giving them a piece of me. It sounds pretty selfish in a way, but all in all, it's being used by someone who really needs it. That's the way I look at it at least. I get to smile inside when I see something I've given away being used too, but I no longer have to point out that I gave it to them and then make it about me, instead of my heart for God. This was a huge thing for me as I never realized I did that! Talk about a huge feeling of OMG!

There are also many ways in which we tend to look at ourselves that cause us to not place a value on ourselves as we should. It's as if we value others more than ourselves simply because they are "normal" and we aren't. Even if we haven't been diagnosed, there is this feeling that we are different that plagues us. It's what makes us try so hard, push so hard, and fail so hard.

The problem is compounded by the fact that we've heard all our lives that we just need to try harder, to just do it the right way, to not over do it, that we are lazy, selfish or worse. Because inside we are trying very very hard to be just like everybody else. But we can't see how they do it simply because our brains are hard wired differently.

And unfortunately, our gifts usually lay outside of the box and so go unnoticed by most people and mostly by ourselves. I've asked myself this question so often in my life.... Why can I do somethings really easy, the things that come hard to most, and yet simply miss the point on the simplest things according to what everybody else gets so easily?

Take for example being on time. I've always been early. You know why? Because I hate being late because I remember how it affects other people. So I've always planned in an extra 30 mins into my time frame. However, most ADHD'rs don't care or don't take the time to notice how their being late affects other people or their jobs.

Another example would be my perfectionist "Find Waldo" ability. It centers around the fact that because I'm always sifting through loads of chaos in my head and coming out the other end, I have the ability to sift through the many distract-able things and focus on what I'm looking for. Hence the strips on the hat... being able to hyper focus at will allows me to find waldo quickly.

Or the memory game... It's not that I remember all the items, but that I remember what the picture looked like and can replay it in my head to find all the items. I've been doing that since school when I'd draw shapes and put my notes into them. When it came to tests, all I had to do was remember what was in the shapes and I'd ace the test. It wasn't the actual statistics that I remembered, it was the way I remembered them.

Things like that have helped me, while other things have continued to be a hindrance. While my perfectionism works great with finding waldo, it's horrible when it comes to getting things done. This of course is the antithesis of my procrastination. I will put off what needs to get done until either I have the time or am running out of time to do it right the first time. Simply because doing it half way isn't acceptable to me. Pretty tough on myself, and harder on others that have to deal with my procrastination. That or the opposite rings true... I'm so focused on getting it done on time that I push others to meet my time schedule which of course never ends well when it comes to making friends. This of course I've tempered with, it will get done when it gets done... or I plan ahead a week so that I don't get rushed at the last minute. I also ask for a lot of help now instead of internalizing my frustrations until I blow up.

I've realized it's much better to be a tea kettle that slowly lets our steam a little at a time, than be a pot boiling over. Yes, you get boiling water either way you do it, but usually with the tea pot, no one gets scalded.

Honest with my emotions has not come easy to me. I've always been able to touch on my sadness or frustration which led to anger, but I've just recently been able to feel hurt. That sounds pretty weird, but I don't believe I ever just felt hurt without jumping instantly to being angry. Same with my sadness or frustration. Now that I can feel hurt and stay in that moment, I can bypass the anger by allowing the other person to approach me without the fear of me going off on them with my anger or frustration. Of course this has taken years for me to get the hang of, but it sure helps with Dave.

He still doesn't understand, and I doubt he ever will totally, what it means to be like I am. He's a great guy and tries to be understanding and encouraging, but he says all the wrong things with the best of intentions. Reminds me of myself actually. But with my new understanding of how most of the population sees us, he's just like them and I have to give him the grace that I hope and pray he gives me. I also now have the ability to tell him how much I appreciate his encouragement, but that what he is saying is not helping me any. It might hurt his feelings a bit, but at least it doesn't send me into a tizzy thinking how thoughtless he is about who I am.

I guess the most important part is that I'm ok with who I am and I no longer focus on the how badly I'm doing. I see the many gifts that I've been given and point those out to myself and others as much as possible. Especially when I'm asking for help. It's ok for me not to be good at everything or to know everything. Even if I do... hee hee... In fact I know I don't know everything and it's ok to ask questions... as long as I take a deep breath and listen well. Something else I'm getting better at, or so I hope.

It's hard when I see life through Hobo Kelly Glasses... a world transformed by color and imaginary things that come to life. The interest in the adventure and the quest for something new that never ends is a bonus in my life. I'm not afraid of much simply because I see life as one big adventure and you just never know what's around the corner. It's about taking the opportunities that come you way, but also allowing others to share in them as well. It's about not taking yourself or others for that matter, too seriously as we are human and are intrinsically different for many reasons.

Finding out that the world does not revolve around me has been a blow to my own ego, but then again, it's all perspective. If I allow others to be a part of my world, then we all grow because of the shared experiences. Whether they are bad or good, we can all learn from one another. It's when we close ourselves off out of shame, frustration, anger or pity, that we lose out on the gift that God has blessed us with and those gifts from other people as well. So what if we aren't Atlas holding the entire world by our own hands... why not just be one of the many boats on the sea, not in a race to see who's better, but instead as a caravan of sightseers out for a morning sail? Again it comes down to perspective...

If I could help anyone, it would be to be able to open up their perspective to the many options available to us. Not everyone sees the same, smells the same or tastes the same even if they are looking at the same thing, around the same aromas or eating the same food. And yet, all that we see can be beautiful, smell wonderful or taste scrumptious. To deny one person of these things would be wrong! So what if I think onions smell hideous? To most people, they are yummy... I need not go into too many other distinctions as you get the point...

Opening up and accepting myself for all my faults is one thing, but to open myself up and see all the wondrous things that lay inside of me, is what I'm in the process of doing at this point in my life. And it's amazing at how much more I understand, accept and have empathy and compassion for in others because of it.

The fact is, I'm never going to be perfect or worse yet, "normal". But I can take all the good within me and bring it to the forefront for all to see. It's like being a piece of the puzzle of life... I'm just one piece, but I only fit into one space and not unlike the other pieces, I have my place just where I'm supposed to be. This type of acceptance has helped me to rewrite my own internal negativism that has been and still in some small ways continues to rewind in my own head. But over coming that is what I cheer myself on to, as it's what's make me "normal".

Wimps Don't Cry...

What is it with guys that it's not ok to cry? That it's not "manly" to show emotion of any kind, lest you be thought of as a weakling or a cry baby?

I grew up with brothers and boy cousins, so I think I can speak to the fact that "wimps don't cry". Being a girl or more like a Tomboy, I had issues with this over the years. To be part of the gang, not like today's gang but more like the Little Rascals, I had to be faster and better at things than the littlest or worse boy just to be able to hang. That meant that I had to be able to climb a tree faster, run without shoes, shoot the slingshot with better accuracy and more than not, deal with a little blood, sweat and no tears.

I cried so much to my dismay, into my bed covers when I was younger because of my ADHD and my Mother's inability to love me for the way I was. I eventually told God that I didn't want to cry or complain about my poor excuse of a life anymore and so I stopped crying for a number of years. It was as if I could just shut it off from myself so that it wouldn't happen and somehow people and events couldn't make me cry.

As a young woman, I felt it wrong to use tears to manipulate men into doing something I wanted them to do. Heck, if they didn't want to do it, I was able to find someone who would. No big deal when you are single, skinny and athletic.

Now I find that there are times when I wish I could pour on the tears as I think that would make my spouse feel like I was more of woman and therefore make him feel more like a man? But it's just not me as I feel as though it would be a manipulation of sorts to get him to feel something for me that he may not otherwise feel.

In fact, I did cry over my broken arm! Not when I fell, not when it hurt, not even after surgery. I had to explain to the doctors that I was brought up with the "Wimps Don't Cry" motto as they too looked at me like I was nuts! I guess by their expressions after looking at the x-rays that I should have been crying constantly by the amount of pain I should have been in... But it took me 3 years and a trip to England and Ireland for me to cry over the death of my Mother. But if I watch something sentimental on TV or in a movie or see old people, kids or animals being hurt I'm a blubbering idiot...well not exactly, but I do cry, once in a while now.

I wonder why my opinion of myself has led me to believe that others would think less of me if I was to cry? What does it feel like to be a wimp? And why is being sentimental and overly sensitive a wrong thing in today's society? Or is that opinion just saved for the male species?

I've lived my life making a place for myself. I've lived my life never turning back and saying I wish I didn't do this or that. I've lived my life looking forward to the next thrill and yet I can't cry... Does that make me a wimp then? Not being able to do something that I want to do very badly? or is it that all of my tears are saved for others and not myself? Or is it that I just don't know what feelings to have when I need them? Is this what an ADHD Fog is like?

Should I be sad over something that isn't sad to me but to others? Should I react the way others expect me to react or the way I would have reacted if no one was around? How many little girls would cry if they had no audience? How many little boys would if they didn't?

What makes us decide when to please others and when not to? Why is it so important to fit in and be what others want or expect us to be? And why then are we not allowed to expect others to act in the way that we think they should or would? Why do others cry when they should rejoice and why don't I see the reasons why we should cry at all?

All tears have done for me is give me a headache and a runny nose. And yet, it's the way that the Holy Spirit shows me that I am being filled. No runny nose and no headache... but why choose tears? Is it because I have forgotten how the cleansing of tears wash away the dirt and grime of the past? or is it evidence that the Hold Spirit is with me, doing something that I can not do on my own?

So as I continue to ponder why Wimps Don't Cry, let me know what makes you cry. Clue me in as to why such a simple act as letting go of some water from your eyes has the ability to stop men in their tracks to ask if they can do something to help you... is it out of chivalry, out of wonder, or just because it's something so foreign to a man that they have to stop and see for themselves what it was that caused this emotional response? And do you think I could learn this manipulation trick in my old age or would it be pointless...

When do you know to give up?

I think for most people, a few days, a few times, but definitely when you feel like you've been left behind... but what happens when God tells you not to give up but trust in Him?

The ingredients of a cake alone, are all but gross. But put them together and you have a wonderful tasting dessert that makes the mouth water... that is if you put the ingredients in properly and cook it for enough time at the right heat.

So how do you know what the right amount of time is? Usually a cake cooks at about 325-350 degrees, depending if you are in the mountains or so far above sea level... but how do you determine time? Using a tooth pick seems to be the given way to determine if you've cooked it long enough... if the tooth pick comes out clean it's done... but it doesn't work that way with brownies.... you have to go by what it looks like on the edges instead... and what about bread? or a souffle?

Mom's bangers and mash was all about how it smelled, and the same goes for most baked dishes. But with meat, you have to be careful. Too high a heat and it gets too cooked on the edges and can be raw in the middle...

That's what my marriage was like. Cooked on the edges and raw in the middle. I must have had the heat turned up too high and not let it simmer in it's own juices... One of the best recipes for meat loaf, pun intended, is to cook it low and long... Hmmm.... interesting how we can take a look at our food, how we make it and apply it to marriage.

How many of you cook with wine? Brandy? The flame, it's all about the flame. But it only cooks off the alcohol and then what do you have left? The taste I suppose, but why do you need to put it on fire? What type of challenge makes us want to do that? Is it the colors of it, the danger of it, or just because it's cool? And if we didn't set it on fire, what would happen to the alcohol? Would it burn out eventually and would the taste be the same? Or is the burnt crust that we are looking for?

Me, my Mom burnt everything... I wonder why when she had 3 hooliguns to keep up with all the while trying to make us dinner.... we never showed up on time and was late most of the time... so is it her fault that we took longer to get there and there fore her dinner was over cooked? We were so hungry that we didn't even seem to notice. We just ate it thinking it was supposed to be this way. Oh if we had only known how much effort went into following the recipe just so... we ruined many a dinner for our Mom and never realized that we added to her lack of self esteem. How could she have one when she was always burning dinner? Proper planning works great when you have people ready to eat, but if you have to round them up after it's done, well it's just poor performance on our part now isn't it....

Then there are the delicate desserts... very pretty, very appealing and what did we do? We'd sneak by and put our fingers in it.... no wonder tupperware came out with lids for the jellow molds. It wasn't because of the film on the top that would settle on it in the fridge, it was the poking of our finger tips to see how bouncy it was... sorta like poking someone when they aren't quite awake... yes pun intended here as well... I mean how can you get any positive result when you aren't even ready yet?

Then there's the layered dishes... pefectly timed so that the custard in the middle wouldn't sink to the bottom of the jello portion and then the whipped topping, so fluffy and full that if you put it on too soon, it would melt or so it appeared that way as the air all fell out of it. And what about those souffles? How on earth could you possibly have it not sink when there was so much stomping and slamming going on in the house? How could anything stay up in an environment like that?


So now that the baking is over, the cook has retired and the masses are still hungry for food, I wait until the strike is over in hopes that I'll get some brownies out of it eventually. I can't afford to give up so maybe it's time I learn how to cook for myself?

Is it a guy thing?

What is it about men and women? Why must we battle for control when it's not really control that we are after, but instead understanding and unconditional love?

Why do women get pegged as the emotional ones, yet it's the man who blows up verbally at the first sign of conflict with his beliefs?

Why is it that women must be the ones to back down to keep the argument from escalating and be the first one to apologize and forgive for love to return?

Can a women really affect a man and change him into a frog when he used to be a prince?

Is figuring out, being smarter to avoid confrontation, really a tool of manipulation? And if it is, then why didn't they figure it out like we did to begin with?

Are women really stronger, smarter and more capable of living in this world than men? And if so, then why do men still run it?

I wonder, ponder more than anything as there probably isn't really an answer, as to why there has to be conflict to begin with. Why can't we agree to disagree without getting angry or taking things personal? Why can't we comprehend that everyone has a different point of view and respect that fact? Why can't we find compromise instead of determining that you are wrong and I am right?

How does a woman actually break a man, when it's he that has already broken her? How does someone stick up for themselves after verbally being beaten down, without being accused of lying or saying untruths?

Why is it out of spite that you prove them wrong, and out of spite when you prove them right? How do you then do what is right and without spite?

How do you determine what is intentional in the mind of others, when it's your perspective that determines the decision?

How can one person decide what the other is feeling, when the person tells them that they are not feeling that way, but then begins to feel that way because they have been told all day that that's how they are feeling?

If I'm angry, I'll tell you I'm angry. Don't tell me I'm angry all day and then act surprised when I blow up at you after I get angry about you telling me I'm angry when I wasn't... makes sense to me...

So if we are all parts in a play of life, the queen of hearts, the jack of spades and the black horseman, who is who and when are they those pieces of the game?

What determines a persons ability to determine others feelings when they are incapable of recognizing their own? And what right does anyone have to push their feelings upon others and then get upset when it's unwanted?

How does a man think he can tell a women what to do, how to do it, what to feel, how to feel, what to say, what not to say, and how to think and what to think when he is not a woman?

Lost within my mind of wonder, pondering what it means to be loved and accepted for who and what I am... does he not see my heart or is he blinded by his own anger and resentment that he does not even consider that I'm capable of forgiveness regardless of the crime?

Simple answers to complex questions...

"My invention can detect human stupidity. It has a very simple interface. All I do is point it at people."
"Then what does it do?"
"Why would it need to do anything else?"
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"Those of you that think they know everything, are very annoying to those of us that actually do"
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Ignorance is bliss, and their last name is ironic...
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What is the difference between the beginning and the end? Turn around...
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What did the spider say to Little Miss Muffett that scared her away? Don't eat that your gonna get fat...
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Dance like no one is watching... unless you choose to dance naked, then someone will be.
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ADD and ADHD is a cop out for being rude, lazy, and stupid. And so what is your excuse?
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Is everything ok? (sarcastically asked) Well, it was until you opened your mouth and proved what a jerk I thought you were to begin with...
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Open mouth, insert foot, oh wait, if I do that then where do I put my shoes?
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Too many men, Too many shoes, Too many... who decides what's too many?
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If you have an apple, an orange and a banana, what do you have? A bowl of fruit but without the bowl...
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Chuckle, chuckle, giggle, giggle, honk, honk, snort, snort, and that was just because Craig Furgeson has a snake cup...
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If getting married is a choice, I need to determine what my options are again...
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I'm heading south for the winter, parts of me have already gotten there.
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If politics are what rules the world, who rules the politics? Right, the ones who are out of this world...
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If you loose your mind, do you know it?
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Unique, different, special, and a wonder... traits of an ASD'r and those that invented the light bulb, the airplane, painted the Sistine Chapel, and created a universal language called DOS.
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If you grow up, does that mean that you have to act it too?
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Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. ~ George Carlin
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"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." ~ Dr. Seuss

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"If you change the way you look at things -- the things you look at change" ~ Dr. Wayne Dyer (The Power of Intention)

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"Is is tomorrow yet?" - a 3-year-old
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"Focus on remedies, not faults." - Jack Nicklaus

**"If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away." Henry David Thoreau
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The Wonder, The Amazement, The Ever Present need for Change ...

Ever wonder what it's like to just not think and be truly quiet?

I wonder, can you hear silence and if you thought about it, then would you then be thinking and therefore not be quiet?

It simply amazes me that you could actually live without a thought in your head... How would you breath if your brain didn't think to inhale and exhale? It's not like the heart that is a muscle that just works, or does it without a brain? How did the Scarecrow in the Wizard of Oz talk, let alone move his body to go in search of a brain?

Ever wonder what it's like to look into the mirror and see yourself as others truly see you? and are they being honest with you when they are put on the spot when you ask them if you are the fairest of all?

Ever wonder what it would be like to say, NO, simply because you are tired of trying to please everybody but yourself first, and yet not be considered selfish? Take for example Grumpy... why was he grumpy if he did everything that everybody else did around him? Why couldn't he find happiness like Happy did since they were always in the same places at the same times? Perspective always gets in the way of conformity...

Ever wonder what it would be like to just jump and not worry about ever hitting the ground because you have wings, or better yet the deep end of the pool actually has water in it and you know how to swim?

If God did not create humanity, then who or what created the atom, the molecule the itty bitty particles that make up the cosmos, our cellular bodies and the air that we breath? And if Adam didn't name them, then how do we know that's what everything is called?

If we lived on the other side of the earth, how come we aren't standing on our heads? and how some we sit on the end that does all the hard work? Think about it... if you couldn't sit or poop, would you be alive? It sure wouldn't be a good day in the neighborhood, now would it?

How did the same company that created Depends, the adult diaper garments, be granted FDA Approval for a food ingredient called "Olestra" that states that known side effects of eating it would be that you have uncontrollable bowels? Maybe it's the same people that work for Anti-virus companies that created viruses in the first place for job security? (no proof that this is true, just supposing)

Ever wonder what it would be like to be the butterfly that you chase, the snail as it crawls to the end of the trail, a frog as it jumps across the road, or a cat on its 8th life never knowing that there's a fine line, a second to react, a fraction of an inch or a moment of hesitation before being squished forever? And what's the difference to these as it is for us driving a car going over 10 miles an hour with 3 mile an hour bumpers?

Ever decide for the first time that this is who you are so the rest of the world can take a flying leap because you've finally found your true color? Oh and you're a chameleon...

Ever loose your tail in an attempt to escape from an enemy, just long enough to get picked off by the next one because they hunt in pairs? Or worse yet, chase your own tail thinking it's someone or something better than what you currently already have? Oh right, that's called entitlement. Doesn't sound too smart when you think of it this way, or does it?

Ever wonder what it would be like to be the one who got away instead of the one who's been left behind? And how do you know if you were left behind, and not the one that got away because you refused to move and the other one ran away?

Ever think, maybe I'll take care of myself first, then give to others what's left over? Never thinking that by giving away what you have, that you are actually receiving from others?

Ever think, maybe today I'll be the emperor that walked the streets naked and didn't know it? or did he and he was just proudly showing off the crown jewels? Sorry needed some levity here... again sorry, no pun intended.

Ever think that for Rapunzel she had a legitimate excuse and really did have a headache? I mean come on, after hoisting up her prince charming, think about it....

Ever wonder why no else can see Hobbs alive, except for Calvin? And how come Hobbs never drowns in the washing machine? It's also classic examples of shoving the blame on the inanimate...

Ever wonder why Woodstock isn't considered to be a cannibal because he's eating Turkey on the Charlie Brown's Thanksgiving Special? I suppose that would mean he's really an Eagle or a Hawk, or some other caron type bird of prey and not really a yellow canary?

And why, oh why, can't Sylvester get the fact that Twittie Bird is smarter than him? Same goes for Wile E. Coyote and the Road Runner... How many times can you do the same thing in different ways, expecting the same result, and not figure out that maybe it's better for your health to be a vegetarian?

Tom and Jerry, friends, best buddies, co-stars or enemies and foes? Reminds me of the Congress and the Senate... and the mouse hole, Jerry's safe place, keeps moving according to the direction Tom is chasing him. Or there's a ton of holes in that house and Jerry seems to know where every one of them are. Why can't Tom figure that out?

They took "Hong Kong Foohie" off the air due to the "violent nature and context of the cartoon" and yet we are in favor of "The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles"? Aren't they all just crime fighting, stick up for the underdog type of hero's? Or was it because a cat was smarter than a dog... Bring back the violence of animated characters instead of costume wearing teenagers! At least we know that they aren't real because we know that a cat isn't smarter than a dog after all...

Dick Van Dyke, Desi Arnez, and Leave it to Beaver couldn't even mention the word "Pregnant", show married people in the same bed, or show a bathroom toilet on "the air". However, now we have teen pregnancies and controversy over abortion on the 5 o'clock news and Saturday shows geared to teens in the same time slots of Strawberry Shortcake... What ever happened to Network Sensors? They buzz out the "f" word on late night, but show soft porn on afternoon soaps?

It seems as though people have forgotten 5th grade through 11th grade United States Constitution and Government classes and the fact that the President of the United States does NOT make laws, govern laws or have a say in how laws are presented to the people. All he gets to do is either sign it, or veto it. When was the last time a President vetoed a really good bill or passed one for that matter? And what happened to School House Rocks' singing "Bill" who taught us this on Saturday and Sunday mornings while eating our Corn Flakes and Cheerios?

We have allowed the degradation of our morals and our values that this country was founded on. Similar to the cartoon examples of life that I mentioned above. Truly, what is different from those edifying attempts of humor, and what we see as "reality" today? Why do we continue to ignore the obvious in favor of the subtle attempt at numbing our reality in fain humor?

Why don't we want to be the one that points out the obvious and say what's on every bodies minds... The Emperor has no clothes and all our money was given to a swindler! Where was the bail out for all the other businesses that have failed over the years due to poor management and mis-appropriation, I mean bonuses, taken by employees? And how different is this from the cartoons where the good guys get the bad guys? Where are all the good guys? Where's Mighty Mouse when you need him to "...Come and Save the Day!"?

Remember, we weren't born here, we don't have to follow the rules, and what the heck, it's not my money after all. I'm the President Puppet of big business and that's how I got this job, not because I really know what "for the people, of the people" really means, needs or wants. It's all about the backs I've stepped on to get to the top, isn't it? Paybacks, scratch your back, and greenbacks that is?

UGH!!!! I've heard far too much talk like this from the "Silent Majority" who is slowly becoming the "Loud Minority"....Politics are for the adults! I just want to play in the play ground and I don't understand why everyone can't just get along. I'm this many, 1 2 3! and I just want to be able to grow up and work hard and be a free thinker... unless that's unpopular, heaven knows that I don't want to grow up to be one of the major minorities.

What ever happened to Little Miss Muffett? And if she sat on her tuffett eating her curds and whey, but had lactose/Gluten/Wheat allergies, and all the spiders were dead because of pesticides, then what scared here away and what was she eating? Who is the "Prince of Bel-air" and where do the Cosby's really live? A doctor and a lawyer that have enough time to raise 5 well adjusted kids and go to bed together at the same time every night? What is reality and what is fantasy and how do we know the differences anymore?

If the news is really about what the truth is, how come they have writers, directors and producers who make decisions based on sponsors as to what is actually shown on TV to the masses, and yet we have "free" press?

Like I said before, I'm 1, 2 3! and I just want to look and wonder, is there really a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, and if you keep moving and the rainbow moves with you like a shadow because after all it's just a reflection, how do you know if you are close or not? Shouldn't you enjoy the Journey more instead of always remained focused on the end result if the result is always just a fairy tale analogy? and is there a happy ending after all.... I guess I'll have to wait until I get to heaven, but then again, if dust returns to dust and feeds the microscopic mites, aren't I just food for the cosmos? And if God doesn't exist, who determined that we were king and who told us that we were naked and invented clothes? I don't think they had marketing executives way back then, or did they because they were free thinkers and refused to conform?

Hmmmm The wonder, the amazement the ever present need for change.... WHY?

The Joy in the Journey ...

I'm lucky to have been blessed with a few awesome friends who know me and my heart. I have also been blessed with a peace that no matter what, I'm going to find the Joy in the Journey. (I think it's a book title from a famous Christian author on the Women of Faith conferences.) I also feel that it's not the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow that we need to be concerned about, but the colors in the rainbow as we gaze up at what is before us and become dazzled at all the possible colors.

In the past, I have allowed others to make decisions for me simply because at times it seemed as though I wasn't qualified. I fell in line with what was expected of me, even though inside I felt as though I was being strangled and shoved into a box that I would never be able to to fit in. I suppose it's that ever present sense of failure that many of us unknowingly allow to control our lives.

However, it has been my actions and reactions that have made the most difference in my life, and they were all based on the whole picture, usually the end first, and not taking into consideration of what the steps were to actually attain the goal until I was already on my journey. Sorta like thinking out load to process what is going on inside, hence the over explanation theory with works well with children because they don't see the obvious, yet.

Although others may make decisions that I may or may not agree upon, it is what I do at that point that makes the biggest difference. I have a saying that goes like this: "Based on your decisions, I have my decisions". This of course was usually predicated by my telling the person how unhappy I am and what my needs were for months if not years. It usually ended with me leaving the situation because the person ultimately did not seem to have my best interest in mind when making their decisions, or so it appeared to me.

I have found it difficult in life to act in a purposeful way to hurt another person. And yet, I am guilty of hurting others unknowingly. The most important person however, has been myself. Am I alone in this feeling that is it's "ok" to put other people and their wants and needs above my own to the point of self sacrifice? It makes for good customer service, but lousy self-esteem.

Having a plan for a life vision is a great idea, perfectly sound concept and purposeful option for us to consider. However, how does one choose just one? How does one concentrate long enough to keep the goal in mind, especially such a long term goal that may include difficult or "boring" tasks to get there?

I seem to be stuck here... in a perpetual 3 year old state. I perceive the world in extra wide vision and vivid color. All of which adds to my distractability as I'm somewhat addicted to change. The good thing is, I'm past the terrible twos and the defiant temper tantrums, but truly find it difficult to not ask why, how, who and what at everything I encounter. Maybe I'm just passing through or maybe I'm here to stay, but in the mean time, how do I choose just one step at a time? I'm finding out finally it's not so good to just jump in and then find out that there is no water at the deep end of the pool.

Or is this just me over analyzing yet another pretty simple concept looking for a short cut to the end of the rainbow and the ever elusive pot of gold... Maybe it's just me being fearful of actually making a choice and being wrong so instead I just want to skip, jump and run along as if not a care in the world, chasing the butterfly as it transforms into a caterpillar... yes I meant to say it this way as I'm feeling as though most of the time I'm going backwards to start all over again.

I have recently come to realize that I have been living the life of a chameleon and not who I really am or want to be. Do I know what that is at the young age of 3? Especially when I'm still so distracted by jumping into puddles alongside the road to church, even when I know that I'll be dirty when I show up. Is it about my clothes being dirty that draws the attention or the fact that I had fun along the journey to get there....

Temper Tantrums and Defiance of ASD

If I could give you all some hope that your child will out grow Temper Tantrums, I would. However, being an ASD Defiant, my temper tantrums are finally starting to disappear and I'm 45. I tell people I'm a perpetual 3 year old, but I must be honest, I have just learned how to keep the tantrum part inside in the last 10 years.

My poor Mom... She tried to hard with me, but with two boys and me so close in age to me, she felt like she was just a bad parent. It wasn't until I was in my 30's that I was able to express to her that it wasn't her being a bad parent, but that it was my ASD. They didn't diagnose kids like me back then. My Mom always said that I was an independent spirit and that she didn't want to break it. Truth was, she couldn't even if she tried.

Not that all kids who have temper tantrums have ASD and most kids outgrow tantrums by the age of 4 or 5 if not sooner. I feel that being ASD myself, is why I seem to be able to understand the hows and whys the volcano even erupts. My hope is that I may be of help by sharing what I can now verbalize to those of you out there struggling how to get through to these little ones. Because having the inability to verbalize properly is what is so frustrating internally that you loose it before you can get it all out in a positive manner. And I must say, it's just as frustrating to those of us that have a volcano monster, as it is to those that have to dodge the spewing lava from our volcano monster once he appears.

Constantly having to watch people to learn what is going on around me, I've learned that you just can't allow kids (or anybody if you can help it) to get to the point of exploding. Maybe it's just one of the many gifts I've received with my ASD, but I seem to be able to sense something is about to go awry and when the facial cues became more apparent, I am able to distract them, trade or barter for a more safe toy or other option of expressing themselves. I offer help or ask questions as to what they would like to accomplish. Sometimes it's just that they don't know how to ask for help or that they aren't sure what the end result is that they are attempting to accomplish. Both the fear of not knowing where the end is or the boundary and the frustration of not knowing how to ask for help is the pressure that the volcano monster thrives on.

Take for example that if it's time to go, give me some warning. Just don't walk out the door telling me that we have to leave now and that you told me an hour ago that we'd be leaving in an hour. When I'm involved, obsessed or just enjoying things around me, time and the sense of time seems to elude me still. I'm not late because I plan ahead to be late. I know that it sounds like an excuse, but I give myself an extra 30 mins to get anywhere, just in case. Depending on what the occasion is, sometimes that "buffer" time will extend into an hour. Call it the "Worse Case Scenario" or the "Be Prepared" rule. But in either case, I'm rarely late and I rarely leave early. I plan to enjoy as much time as possible in what ever I chose to do. This way I never feel like I missed out on something or didn't give it a chance.

Getting back to setting boundaries for the temper tantrum monster.... I've learned that you don't just take me away from something or somewhere without giving me a warning as I tend to get upset when I feel rushed. However when boundaries were set for me, then I never got too involved because the reminders are there. So for example: When going somewhere, set the boundary that it's a short trip and that you are only going to go in for a few minutes. By setting the first boundary before you get there, it help them to remember that they don't have that much time. By reinforcing it with a ten minute warning you allow them to figure it out for themselves how to detach from what ever has their attention. By acknowledging that it is a short trip so we'll be leaving in 10 minutes, I try not to get too involved in something. Then when give them a 5 min warning, again acknowledging that what they are doing is important, but that you will be back another time, because remember this is a short trip. And then lastly it's just about time to leave so lets say goodbye to (whatever,whomever) because we are going to go see, do, etc. Then act accordingly by taking their hand, explaining that they agreed before coming in that these were the boundaries and therefore you are just doing what they agreed with. In most cases, it works. You also must be consistent about the boundary.

Speaking from experience, if a child is ASD and gets hyper-focused on something, it's like trying to wake a sleep walker and not a good idea to do all of a sudden. Give them time to re-awaken slowly. Let them think it's their idea to stop because you've offered them a new choice of something to do that is similar or better. It doesn't always work, but 90% of the time it did with me.

Punishment for bad behavior like putting me in time out was a blessing to me because my brother's couldn't bug me. For some kids, the fear of being left out or abandoned will make them think twice of what they thinking of doing. You need to however, catch them before the monster comes out and give them warnings. Giving me a spanking didn't work for me either as it just reinforced my defiance. Bottom line was, I always needed (not wanted) to know why I couldn't do this or that, how come, and who... I needed explanation and reasoning even if it was thought that I wouldn't understand at the time. I eventually figured it out on my own, but it still remains more helpful to me if someone gives me a clue once in awhile.

The other thing I realized is that even at a young age, kids are trying to learn and become independent. However, their reasoning portion of their brains just are quite there yet. However, the power of what possession or being excluded is seems to begin early in life. My brother showed me that by giving his kids a choice of 'where' they were going to take their nap, that they felt empowered that they got to be a part of the decision in regards to their nap. The fact was that they were ultimately going to take their nap regardless of where they chose. It's a win win situation... You are then in control of the boundaries that are safe and necessary, but they feel like it was their decision. It gives you the ability to teach them reasoning and compromise in a positive manner. The same works for shoes, socks and clothes in general... they are going to wear them, so give them the big kid choice of choosing which ones they get to wear. If they don't match, that's ok... It's not about you, it's about them. The fact that they left the house with clothes on, you already won this battle.

Please keep this in mind as well: Explain to them and teach them, let them try and fail and see consequences of bad behavior. Reward and Praise, trade and barter.

Here's one more clear cut example of what I'm talking about:
This summer I spent time with my niece, and I'm not just bragging, this kid is really smart! While driving in the car she wanted her shoes and socks off. She got her shoes off and I cheered for her. Then she started to take her socks off and got frustrated because she couldn't pull them off by the toes. So I turned back around and told her that it isn't acceptable to get frustrated like that and that it wasn't acceptable behavior. So I asked her what she was trying to do. "Do you want to take your socks off? Do you want to learn how to do it by yourself? or can I help you?" I gave her choices and she stopped a minute to think about it. I could see the wheels turning...

Besides my sister telling me that I talk too fast and that she doesn't understand, she told me she didn't know how to take her socks off yet and to just take them off for her. Being the defiant that I am, sorry sis, I said she can do it, Mommy, just watch. I not only showed my niece how to put her thumb under the edge of the sock, and push her thumb along the back of her ankle and heel, but I explained it word by word as I was doing it for her the first time. I didn't force her, I asked her for her help in me teaching it to her. Three tries later and a bit more fussing, but no volcano monster, there were big cheers from her and for her, that she did it all by herself. She will be 2 on the 13th of Sept. Of course I had to point out to her that by taking them off, that she would have to put them back on before she got out of the car. My sister looked at me and just laughed. But as I got her out, I reminded her of what the "deal" was and she sat there while I put them back on. My sister was a bit amused, but not at her daughter... After we got in the house I pointed out to her that I did the same thing with her in the car years ago. She snickered and said I remember, but I'd forgotten until I saw you bend down and help her put them back on... Lessons we learn in childhood never really go away. We just need to be reminded where in the library that particular book is...

Is she ASD? I hope so. Is it a bad thing? Not for me. Will she have as hard a time as I did growing up? Maybe. Will her parents look at is as a disability? I doubt it. I over heard Mommy on the phone with her doing exactly what I had "reminded" her what works. And you know what? My little niece doesn't volcano as much since her Mommy recognized the Monster and told him to stay home.

I have many gifts that I thought all my life that everyone had. But now I can see some of those gifts were natural causes of my ASD inabilities. Having the feeling like I never fit it, caused me to study people, their faces, and interactions more closely than others did. I was constantly trying to anticipate what I should do in the future when I saw that look on someone, or when they expressed certain body language. It made me a natural born salesman, that's for sure. Now I use that same ability to read little ones and can anticipate their moods so much easier than grownups as they haven't yet learned how to hide their emotions. I also tend to focus on and celebrate (make a big deal over) the little things that they accomplish. No matter how big or small of an accomplishment, it's a reason for cheers, good job and I'm so proud of you! Not to mention high fives and hugs. Automatically it changes the way kids and people respond to getting things done.

Positive reinforcement and rewards are what works for me. Don't try to convince me that I can't do something because I'm a girl, I'm too little or just because. Try to punish me and I'll brood and figure out a way to get my way. Help me figure out how to compromise and I'm right there with you, just make sure it makes sense. Kids are smarter and more manipulative than we give them credit for. Just because I don't speak Spanish, doesn't mean I can't understand it.

So I do hope that this will be a light into the minds of little ones and maybe some ASD'rs and a comfort to you bigger ones too! It's all about falling down, getting back up, dusting your knees off and saving tears for when the emotions really warrant them.

Giving your kids boundaries can be tougher on you then on them, but never let them see you cry. Unless you are bleeding. Focus on the positive aspect that you are teaching your kids boundaries that will not only protect them, but protect others as well. Show your kids when it's appropriate to cry and be angry, sad or disappointed. It's never appropriate to get so frustrated that you blow up because you are afraid.

Work as a team, be a team leader. If your spouse is trying to control a situation, let them. You will never conquer the Temper Tantrum Monster if you don't show respect for rules set by your spouse and solidarity against the enemy. If you disagree, take it up at a later time when the kids are already asleep. If you try to correct your spouse in front of the kids, they will learn that it's ok and that they get their way when they play the pit-Mommy-and-Daddy-against-each-other game. A game where no one wins and everyone becomes a loser. The most important thing is that once you and your spouse agree on the boundaries, back them up in regards to rules, consequences and rewards. Don't pull the foundations out before the concrete is hard otherwise you will never have a solid foundation, let alone a level one.

Celebrate together as a family that you and your kids did really good on this or that. Then if need be, reinforce the rules, by asking the kids what they think should be done about the bad behavior that they had that day. Don't leave it to be a general issue, point out or have them recognize what exactly the bad behavior was. Then once they have done that, remind them of the good things they did. Celebrate it all over again with your spouse if they were not there the first time. Pulling together like this as a family will be the biggest advantage you will have as they grow up.

And I believe with my whole heart that the Temper Tantrum Monster will forever be banished to the caves where he came from, never to appear again. And if he does, well you'll already be prepared to put him back in his place and to make sure that he is not welcome. So get up, dust your knees off and go give yourself a reward because you asked for help and your goal is to keep trying. Celebrate the successes and make a big deal about them!

Can't fit into the "box"

Society infers that there are these lines, invisible lines mind you, that you aren't supposed to cross. (You will find that my sarcasm comes through in moments like these...) if they are invisible, how are we supposed to see them when they move or change as we get older and begin to include friends of different cultures, backgrounds and schooling? And how do you remember where they are to begin with?

Be polite, don't interrupt - sit still, pay attention - think before you speak, don't blurt out - answer the question, don't give too much information - if you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all - listen to others, but don't offer you opinions. When someone wants your opinion, they will ask you for it. (no body ever does though) The list can go on and on...and it leaves me in the dark unable to distinguish the invisible lines and social cues.

I've been told over and over again how one "should" act in social situations, but I find myself sitting outside the box, each and every time. It's as if the "box" is far too small for me to even dip my foot into. So instead, I put my foot in my mouth and hobble along. All the while, the box is sitting over there in the middle of the room taunting me to fit into it.

In school, I heard from my teachers that I wasn't living up to my potential. I was "the" disruptive influence in the class, no matter where they had me sit. I just wanted to be cool and popular, and yet I never made it into any one crowd. Instead I floated from one to the other, never staying too long for fear of offending or annoying the few friends that I had.

From the very first day of Kindergarten that "Social Box" was in place. That ever present feeling that you had to fit in no matter what the cost still haunts me today. Everybody else seemed to be able to recognize that this "box" was there, but it was as invisible to me as a black cat is in the dark. If you blinked you would fall over it each and every time, never being able to catch it. Teachers and other kids constantly pointed out that it's over there, just go over and get it. (with the implication that we were stupid for not being able to see it) However, when you have no comprehension or ability to see something invisible in the dark, it's even harder to comprehend that you can just go over and get into it.(*more on how I have tried in a later post) A bit of a dichotomy here. invisible, dark, finding it, then getting into it, but it's invisible and I'm in the dark and I can't fit into it because it's invisible.....yet everybody else seems to have no problem finding it or fitting into it. Am I the only one in the dark looking for something invisible and is it really invisible or is it just me?

You will find that most of my life has been living on both sides of a very thin line or proverbial "fence" called acceptance and rejection. And all this hoping back and forth from one side to the other of an invisible line is finally wearing me out. What's the point of trying so hard to be on the correct side of it, when you really can't see which side your on to begin with? And who was the master mind as to which side of an invisible line was the acceptable one to begin with? I suppose I could blame the British and the well breed part of society. For centuries they've blurred the lines for us, but then again, I came from good British Stock and was raised in an affluent neighborhood...

If no one ever reads this blog, that's ok. I'm not writing so that I fit into a box or stay on the right side of the acceptability fence. These are my dreams, wishes, thoughts (very random at times), opinions, stories of my life and most of all my outlook on my life of trying to fit into a magical "box", or find it to begin with, so that I will be "normal". (more on what's normal in another post)

I'm the only "normal" I know and I think I'm an ok person. Most people never take the time to really get to know me. That can be my fault, isn't everything, because I get so nervous in groups. Even after all these years I just talk and talk because I'm so uncomfortable with the silence. My mind races with thoughts of how I might have offended someone, so you'd think that I wouldn't say a word. Well, there are some out there, like my Dad, who don't say much. They have resigned themselves to the fact that everybody is an idiot, but choose to be polite and keep their opinions to themselves. It's taken him over 40 years to share with me how much he admires my ability to express myself regardless of the consequences.

If he only knew how much pain I've caused myself. But then again, he's in his own version of the same pain, just on the other side of the "invisible" fence. He never attempted to fit inside the "box". He figured why hang out with the Idiots? Gotta love that dichotomy...

Do you find it hard to fit into society's invisible box? Have you ever seen it?

Do you feel like everyone else are idiots, but you're the one that seems to be the failure?

Have a problem staying on topic in conversations due to distractions that take you on tangents that become long run on sentences in your head but only parts of it come out your mouth leaving everyone else around you in the dust?

Have you embarrassed others around you by blurting out what pops into your head without any filtering process taking place?

For most people, they have never had to think about questions like this. For someone like me, diagnosed with ASD at 54, these questions and more are an everyday process of the perpetual 3 year old within, I just want to find the actual "box" or go to the greener side of the "fence". I understand concepts, but this one has had me perplexed since childhood.