Temper Tantrums and Defiance of ASD

If I could give you all some hope that your child will out grow Temper Tantrums, I would. However, being an ASD Defiant, my temper tantrums are finally starting to disappear and I'm 45. I tell people I'm a perpetual 3 year old, but I must be honest, I have just learned how to keep the tantrum part inside in the last 10 years.

My poor Mom... She tried to hard with me, but with two boys and me so close in age to me, she felt like she was just a bad parent. It wasn't until I was in my 30's that I was able to express to her that it wasn't her being a bad parent, but that it was my ASD. They didn't diagnose kids like me back then. My Mom always said that I was an independent spirit and that she didn't want to break it. Truth was, she couldn't even if she tried.

Not that all kids who have temper tantrums have ASD and most kids outgrow tantrums by the age of 4 or 5 if not sooner. I feel that being ASD myself, is why I seem to be able to understand the hows and whys the volcano even erupts. My hope is that I may be of help by sharing what I can now verbalize to those of you out there struggling how to get through to these little ones. Because having the inability to verbalize properly is what is so frustrating internally that you loose it before you can get it all out in a positive manner. And I must say, it's just as frustrating to those of us that have a volcano monster, as it is to those that have to dodge the spewing lava from our volcano monster once he appears.

Constantly having to watch people to learn what is going on around me, I've learned that you just can't allow kids (or anybody if you can help it) to get to the point of exploding. Maybe it's just one of the many gifts I've received with my ASD, but I seem to be able to sense something is about to go awry and when the facial cues became more apparent, I am able to distract them, trade or barter for a more safe toy or other option of expressing themselves. I offer help or ask questions as to what they would like to accomplish. Sometimes it's just that they don't know how to ask for help or that they aren't sure what the end result is that they are attempting to accomplish. Both the fear of not knowing where the end is or the boundary and the frustration of not knowing how to ask for help is the pressure that the volcano monster thrives on.

Take for example that if it's time to go, give me some warning. Just don't walk out the door telling me that we have to leave now and that you told me an hour ago that we'd be leaving in an hour. When I'm involved, obsessed or just enjoying things around me, time and the sense of time seems to elude me still. I'm not late because I plan ahead to be late. I know that it sounds like an excuse, but I give myself an extra 30 mins to get anywhere, just in case. Depending on what the occasion is, sometimes that "buffer" time will extend into an hour. Call it the "Worse Case Scenario" or the "Be Prepared" rule. But in either case, I'm rarely late and I rarely leave early. I plan to enjoy as much time as possible in what ever I chose to do. This way I never feel like I missed out on something or didn't give it a chance.

Getting back to setting boundaries for the temper tantrum monster.... I've learned that you don't just take me away from something or somewhere without giving me a warning as I tend to get upset when I feel rushed. However when boundaries were set for me, then I never got too involved because the reminders are there. So for example: When going somewhere, set the boundary that it's a short trip and that you are only going to go in for a few minutes. By setting the first boundary before you get there, it help them to remember that they don't have that much time. By reinforcing it with a ten minute warning you allow them to figure it out for themselves how to detach from what ever has their attention. By acknowledging that it is a short trip so we'll be leaving in 10 minutes, I try not to get too involved in something. Then when give them a 5 min warning, again acknowledging that what they are doing is important, but that you will be back another time, because remember this is a short trip. And then lastly it's just about time to leave so lets say goodbye to (whatever,whomever) because we are going to go see, do, etc. Then act accordingly by taking their hand, explaining that they agreed before coming in that these were the boundaries and therefore you are just doing what they agreed with. In most cases, it works. You also must be consistent about the boundary.

Speaking from experience, if a child is ASD and gets hyper-focused on something, it's like trying to wake a sleep walker and not a good idea to do all of a sudden. Give them time to re-awaken slowly. Let them think it's their idea to stop because you've offered them a new choice of something to do that is similar or better. It doesn't always work, but 90% of the time it did with me.

Punishment for bad behavior like putting me in time out was a blessing to me because my brother's couldn't bug me. For some kids, the fear of being left out or abandoned will make them think twice of what they thinking of doing. You need to however, catch them before the monster comes out and give them warnings. Giving me a spanking didn't work for me either as it just reinforced my defiance. Bottom line was, I always needed (not wanted) to know why I couldn't do this or that, how come, and who... I needed explanation and reasoning even if it was thought that I wouldn't understand at the time. I eventually figured it out on my own, but it still remains more helpful to me if someone gives me a clue once in awhile.

The other thing I realized is that even at a young age, kids are trying to learn and become independent. However, their reasoning portion of their brains just are quite there yet. However, the power of what possession or being excluded is seems to begin early in life. My brother showed me that by giving his kids a choice of 'where' they were going to take their nap, that they felt empowered that they got to be a part of the decision in regards to their nap. The fact was that they were ultimately going to take their nap regardless of where they chose. It's a win win situation... You are then in control of the boundaries that are safe and necessary, but they feel like it was their decision. It gives you the ability to teach them reasoning and compromise in a positive manner. The same works for shoes, socks and clothes in general... they are going to wear them, so give them the big kid choice of choosing which ones they get to wear. If they don't match, that's ok... It's not about you, it's about them. The fact that they left the house with clothes on, you already won this battle.

Please keep this in mind as well: Explain to them and teach them, let them try and fail and see consequences of bad behavior. Reward and Praise, trade and barter.

Here's one more clear cut example of what I'm talking about:
This summer I spent time with my niece, and I'm not just bragging, this kid is really smart! While driving in the car she wanted her shoes and socks off. She got her shoes off and I cheered for her. Then she started to take her socks off and got frustrated because she couldn't pull them off by the toes. So I turned back around and told her that it isn't acceptable to get frustrated like that and that it wasn't acceptable behavior. So I asked her what she was trying to do. "Do you want to take your socks off? Do you want to learn how to do it by yourself? or can I help you?" I gave her choices and she stopped a minute to think about it. I could see the wheels turning...

Besides my sister telling me that I talk too fast and that she doesn't understand, she told me she didn't know how to take her socks off yet and to just take them off for her. Being the defiant that I am, sorry sis, I said she can do it, Mommy, just watch. I not only showed my niece how to put her thumb under the edge of the sock, and push her thumb along the back of her ankle and heel, but I explained it word by word as I was doing it for her the first time. I didn't force her, I asked her for her help in me teaching it to her. Three tries later and a bit more fussing, but no volcano monster, there were big cheers from her and for her, that she did it all by herself. She will be 2 on the 13th of Sept. Of course I had to point out to her that by taking them off, that she would have to put them back on before she got out of the car. My sister looked at me and just laughed. But as I got her out, I reminded her of what the "deal" was and she sat there while I put them back on. My sister was a bit amused, but not at her daughter... After we got in the house I pointed out to her that I did the same thing with her in the car years ago. She snickered and said I remember, but I'd forgotten until I saw you bend down and help her put them back on... Lessons we learn in childhood never really go away. We just need to be reminded where in the library that particular book is...

Is she ASD? I hope so. Is it a bad thing? Not for me. Will she have as hard a time as I did growing up? Maybe. Will her parents look at is as a disability? I doubt it. I over heard Mommy on the phone with her doing exactly what I had "reminded" her what works. And you know what? My little niece doesn't volcano as much since her Mommy recognized the Monster and told him to stay home.

I have many gifts that I thought all my life that everyone had. But now I can see some of those gifts were natural causes of my ASD inabilities. Having the feeling like I never fit it, caused me to study people, their faces, and interactions more closely than others did. I was constantly trying to anticipate what I should do in the future when I saw that look on someone, or when they expressed certain body language. It made me a natural born salesman, that's for sure. Now I use that same ability to read little ones and can anticipate their moods so much easier than grownups as they haven't yet learned how to hide their emotions. I also tend to focus on and celebrate (make a big deal over) the little things that they accomplish. No matter how big or small of an accomplishment, it's a reason for cheers, good job and I'm so proud of you! Not to mention high fives and hugs. Automatically it changes the way kids and people respond to getting things done.

Positive reinforcement and rewards are what works for me. Don't try to convince me that I can't do something because I'm a girl, I'm too little or just because. Try to punish me and I'll brood and figure out a way to get my way. Help me figure out how to compromise and I'm right there with you, just make sure it makes sense. Kids are smarter and more manipulative than we give them credit for. Just because I don't speak Spanish, doesn't mean I can't understand it.

So I do hope that this will be a light into the minds of little ones and maybe some ASD'rs and a comfort to you bigger ones too! It's all about falling down, getting back up, dusting your knees off and saving tears for when the emotions really warrant them.

Giving your kids boundaries can be tougher on you then on them, but never let them see you cry. Unless you are bleeding. Focus on the positive aspect that you are teaching your kids boundaries that will not only protect them, but protect others as well. Show your kids when it's appropriate to cry and be angry, sad or disappointed. It's never appropriate to get so frustrated that you blow up because you are afraid.

Work as a team, be a team leader. If your spouse is trying to control a situation, let them. You will never conquer the Temper Tantrum Monster if you don't show respect for rules set by your spouse and solidarity against the enemy. If you disagree, take it up at a later time when the kids are already asleep. If you try to correct your spouse in front of the kids, they will learn that it's ok and that they get their way when they play the pit-Mommy-and-Daddy-against-each-other game. A game where no one wins and everyone becomes a loser. The most important thing is that once you and your spouse agree on the boundaries, back them up in regards to rules, consequences and rewards. Don't pull the foundations out before the concrete is hard otherwise you will never have a solid foundation, let alone a level one.

Celebrate together as a family that you and your kids did really good on this or that. Then if need be, reinforce the rules, by asking the kids what they think should be done about the bad behavior that they had that day. Don't leave it to be a general issue, point out or have them recognize what exactly the bad behavior was. Then once they have done that, remind them of the good things they did. Celebrate it all over again with your spouse if they were not there the first time. Pulling together like this as a family will be the biggest advantage you will have as they grow up.

And I believe with my whole heart that the Temper Tantrum Monster will forever be banished to the caves where he came from, never to appear again. And if he does, well you'll already be prepared to put him back in his place and to make sure that he is not welcome. So get up, dust your knees off and go give yourself a reward because you asked for help and your goal is to keep trying. Celebrate the successes and make a big deal about them!