The Joy in the Journey ...

I'm lucky to have been blessed with a few awesome friends who know me and my heart. I have also been blessed with a peace that no matter what, I'm going to find the Joy in the Journey. (I think it's a book title from a famous Christian author on the Women of Faith conferences.) I also feel that it's not the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow that we need to be concerned about, but the colors in the rainbow as we gaze up at what is before us and become dazzled at all the possible colors.

In the past, I have allowed others to make decisions for me simply because at times it seemed as though I wasn't qualified. I fell in line with what was expected of me, even though inside I felt as though I was being strangled and shoved into a box that I would never be able to to fit in. I suppose it's that ever present sense of failure that many of us unknowingly allow to control our lives.

However, it has been my actions and reactions that have made the most difference in my life, and they were all based on the whole picture, usually the end first, and not taking into consideration of what the steps were to actually attain the goal until I was already on my journey. Sorta like thinking out load to process what is going on inside, hence the over explanation theory with works well with children because they don't see the obvious, yet.

Although others may make decisions that I may or may not agree upon, it is what I do at that point that makes the biggest difference. I have a saying that goes like this: "Based on your decisions, I have my decisions". This of course was usually predicated by my telling the person how unhappy I am and what my needs were for months if not years. It usually ended with me leaving the situation because the person ultimately did not seem to have my best interest in mind when making their decisions, or so it appeared to me.

I have found it difficult in life to act in a purposeful way to hurt another person. And yet, I am guilty of hurting others unknowingly. The most important person however, has been myself. Am I alone in this feeling that is it's "ok" to put other people and their wants and needs above my own to the point of self sacrifice? It makes for good customer service, but lousy self-esteem.

Having a plan for a life vision is a great idea, perfectly sound concept and purposeful option for us to consider. However, how does one choose just one? How does one concentrate long enough to keep the goal in mind, especially such a long term goal that may include difficult or "boring" tasks to get there?

I seem to be stuck here... in a perpetual 3 year old state. I perceive the world in extra wide vision and vivid color. All of which adds to my distractability as I'm somewhat addicted to change. The good thing is, I'm past the terrible twos and the defiant temper tantrums, but truly find it difficult to not ask why, how, who and what at everything I encounter. Maybe I'm just passing through or maybe I'm here to stay, but in the mean time, how do I choose just one step at a time? I'm finding out finally it's not so good to just jump in and then find out that there is no water at the deep end of the pool.

Or is this just me over analyzing yet another pretty simple concept looking for a short cut to the end of the rainbow and the ever elusive pot of gold... Maybe it's just me being fearful of actually making a choice and being wrong so instead I just want to skip, jump and run along as if not a care in the world, chasing the butterfly as it transforms into a caterpillar... yes I meant to say it this way as I'm feeling as though most of the time I'm going backwards to start all over again.

I have recently come to realize that I have been living the life of a chameleon and not who I really am or want to be. Do I know what that is at the young age of 3? Especially when I'm still so distracted by jumping into puddles alongside the road to church, even when I know that I'll be dirty when I show up. Is it about my clothes being dirty that draws the attention or the fact that I had fun along the journey to get there....