Posts
Someday maybe you 'll get me. A twinkle, a kiss, a hug, a moment in time - not rushed - not for just a second...
A kind word - Wow, you look great. A kind deed - no complaints - not about what is not, but what is - to notice all, not just the sum of all that should be but what is instead.
A warm breeze that blows from your heart to mine. A thought that captures you and brings you to your knees - a wonderment of just who I am, not of what you wish I was.
The truth in love, the butterflies that dance in your heart. The flutter of that unknown. Waiting, wanting, just to see, to hold, to cherish.
The little moments remembered not pushed aside to be forgotten, to take the time to see just me, and my heart.
To really say I'm sorry, to begin again. To reach inside and find what you are so afraid of and to let it go - to be held, just to be held...
In your arms I want to feel safe. To be able not to have to hide my tears or pain, but to be able to heal in your arms.
But instead I flee... I calm the fear and remain silent. I go behind my walls to keep from disappearing all together.
I can't get past the hurt because you don't want to see it or realize just how important I am to you.
Distance makes you desire me and yet when I return, I am punished for leaving.
No love is given, no kindness is shown when I open my arms and heart to you, you push me away with things to do, things not done, disappointment and unkind words are all you give me.
The turn of your shoulder, you lay beside me, and yet I am so alone.
It's your terms or non at all. Yet all I need is to be cherished, shown some adoration not for what I am not, but for who I am.
Maybe that's not enough for you. Maybe it's all together too much!
I live in my pain every day - waiting for you to rescue me - to make me laugh, to hold me close, to tell me that everything's is going to be ok.
Yet what I get are the trees - between us. No sunshine, but darkness is all I feel. I want to get to the clearing, to see the grass shine in the day light, but that forest you live in grows farther away from me.
To love someone is to see what is important to them and make it important to you. To share those little things because it makes them smile.
To love someone you protect them from unkindness, hurts and danger.
To Cherish someone,is to put them before yourself, to get set them apart like a rose in a garden of daisies and to make sure that they know they are the rose not just another daisy.
To love someone you have to divide yourself to give a piece of yourself away to them. To become part of them - always.
So what does this mean? Make the little things into big things - to take a shattered heart and make it whole again. To find the moments in life that matter and make them grand. To seek to find - to keep everyday that moment of time when it all started and keep it growing.
Was it me who sought you? Was it me who felt it first? Was it me who let that glow go?
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
And the Walls of Jericho came crashing down....
Ever look at a couple and see the love that they share? The cherishing of each other that makes you sick because it seems so fake?
Ever look at a couple and see the hatred, the dislike of the other, the constant struggle to be civil to each other?
I wonder, as usual, what makes each of them the same and yet so different...
I watched my folks cherish each other, they made us sick as kids to watch them kiss each other when they saw each other... the love my Mom showed my Dad by the things she did for him that made him happy. The way my Dad would look at her and his appreciation of what she did for the family.
I also watched my folks fight, become disgusted with each other, forcing a smile for family and friends that would come over. The tense nights when I would hear them fighting downstairs after we kids went to bed.
What I remember most though, is that they always found the love again. The fights would end, they'd make up, treat each other with tenderness and begin the cherishing all over again. They didn't discuss things around us kids, but we saw how God worked in their lives and how it worked in our childhood relationships with family as well.
Am I special because I can remember that? Am I special because I want that? Or am I living in a childhood fantasy that things will and do work out when you love someone?
My brothers and I fought like Cowboys and Indians... I even got tied to a tree and left there for hours once... but we loved each other. We stuck up for each other... sure my brother could tease me, make fun of me, but he never let the other boys in the gang we hung around with treat me badly.
So I was tough, but I knew better than to attack a boy... defending myself was one thing, but to attack was another... Girls just never did that and got away with it. So I became the diplomat instead... always talking my way out of things or talking them into it I suppose if I want to be completely honest... but never out of malice, never to be better, but just to survive. To be one of the boys...
Has that left me broken and unable to respect a man? Has the hurt I've felt physically or emotionally preventing me from really trusting a man?
You see I don't get it... but maybe that's the problem... I love people, regardless of whether they are boys or girls, just the fact that they are people means that they are deserving of respect and love. Honoring them as individuals... so we don't see everything eye to eye... isn't that what acceptance is? Isn't that what respecting another person is?
Ok, so sometimes I come across as all knowing, that I'm right all the time... but my heart and my ears are open to suggestions, open to logic, open to communication. So we don't always agree, can't we agree to disagree and then move on? You know get past the differences and love again?
Maybe growing up in a family that fought a lot, was a bad thing. But we also made up and loved each other through it... so what's so wrong about that?
Opinions... isn't it assumed that when you open your mouth that it's your opinion? Why then do you need to make sure that others know it's your opinion? Why force a definition that by nature is assumed? Or is it more about the Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus that I just can't seem to grasp?
How hard is it to see the wall, want to bring the wall down, wait on God for the answers on how the wall will fall down, and then do what needs to be done to make the wall fall down without ever having to touch it?
Oh and why are there walls to begin with?
My brothers pointed out to me that I always give warnings... simple things from that time of the month, so be nicer to me for a while, to if you keep doing this, there will be the consequences... I never really knew what boundaries were until I realized that I'm pretty verbal about them and yes, I give warnings as to where they start and end. Why someone would want to continue to cross those boundaries just doesn't make sense to me.
Maybe that's the problem... I'm being too logical about all of this. Trying to figure it out to fix it so there is nothing left to argue about. To look and find the compromise so there is no need to be stubborn anymore. To share with someone who I am and to have them, desire them, to share who they are with me.
Why is it so hard to say "I'm sorry", to humble oneself for the great good of the relationship? And why is it that in my case, it was all one sided... Maybe it's because I was the only one that put value in the relationship and in the heart of the one I love....
But I guess, here I am, and it's all about me again... Maybe it's time I take a look at the walls, ask God if this is the right fortress that he wants me to break apart, or if I need to just move on to a fortress where the gate is already opened for me?
Ever look at a couple and see the hatred, the dislike of the other, the constant struggle to be civil to each other?
I wonder, as usual, what makes each of them the same and yet so different...
I watched my folks cherish each other, they made us sick as kids to watch them kiss each other when they saw each other... the love my Mom showed my Dad by the things she did for him that made him happy. The way my Dad would look at her and his appreciation of what she did for the family.
I also watched my folks fight, become disgusted with each other, forcing a smile for family and friends that would come over. The tense nights when I would hear them fighting downstairs after we kids went to bed.
What I remember most though, is that they always found the love again. The fights would end, they'd make up, treat each other with tenderness and begin the cherishing all over again. They didn't discuss things around us kids, but we saw how God worked in their lives and how it worked in our childhood relationships with family as well.
Am I special because I can remember that? Am I special because I want that? Or am I living in a childhood fantasy that things will and do work out when you love someone?
My brothers and I fought like Cowboys and Indians... I even got tied to a tree and left there for hours once... but we loved each other. We stuck up for each other... sure my brother could tease me, make fun of me, but he never let the other boys in the gang we hung around with treat me badly.
So I was tough, but I knew better than to attack a boy... defending myself was one thing, but to attack was another... Girls just never did that and got away with it. So I became the diplomat instead... always talking my way out of things or talking them into it I suppose if I want to be completely honest... but never out of malice, never to be better, but just to survive. To be one of the boys...
Has that left me broken and unable to respect a man? Has the hurt I've felt physically or emotionally preventing me from really trusting a man?
You see I don't get it... but maybe that's the problem... I love people, regardless of whether they are boys or girls, just the fact that they are people means that they are deserving of respect and love. Honoring them as individuals... so we don't see everything eye to eye... isn't that what acceptance is? Isn't that what respecting another person is?
Ok, so sometimes I come across as all knowing, that I'm right all the time... but my heart and my ears are open to suggestions, open to logic, open to communication. So we don't always agree, can't we agree to disagree and then move on? You know get past the differences and love again?
Maybe growing up in a family that fought a lot, was a bad thing. But we also made up and loved each other through it... so what's so wrong about that?
Opinions... isn't it assumed that when you open your mouth that it's your opinion? Why then do you need to make sure that others know it's your opinion? Why force a definition that by nature is assumed? Or is it more about the Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus that I just can't seem to grasp?
How hard is it to see the wall, want to bring the wall down, wait on God for the answers on how the wall will fall down, and then do what needs to be done to make the wall fall down without ever having to touch it?
Oh and why are there walls to begin with?
My brothers pointed out to me that I always give warnings... simple things from that time of the month, so be nicer to me for a while, to if you keep doing this, there will be the consequences... I never really knew what boundaries were until I realized that I'm pretty verbal about them and yes, I give warnings as to where they start and end. Why someone would want to continue to cross those boundaries just doesn't make sense to me.
Maybe that's the problem... I'm being too logical about all of this. Trying to figure it out to fix it so there is nothing left to argue about. To look and find the compromise so there is no need to be stubborn anymore. To share with someone who I am and to have them, desire them, to share who they are with me.
Why is it so hard to say "I'm sorry", to humble oneself for the great good of the relationship? And why is it that in my case, it was all one sided... Maybe it's because I was the only one that put value in the relationship and in the heart of the one I love....
But I guess, here I am, and it's all about me again... Maybe it's time I take a look at the walls, ask God if this is the right fortress that he wants me to break apart, or if I need to just move on to a fortress where the gate is already opened for me?
D is for....
It used to be for my Dear husband... His first name, how I looked at him as my Darling...
But now it's been associated with Distance, Don't talk to me, Don't in many cases really, Divorce and now Dumb husband....
He's not a bad guy, just not the man that wants to meet my needs in my life and is unwilling to Determine what his needs are that I can attain. You may ask what is it that I need then? I've been asking that now for years as I watched the Demise, yes another D word, of my marriage. And yet, my journals over the years clearly spell out what my needs were, are and will be. Yet when I've attempted to share those things with him, I'm the one living in a fantasy life, not living in reality, and that he'll never be the man that I want him to be... Hmmm... Sharing my hopes and Dreams, my Daily life experiences, how much I love him, recalling the moments that we've had, and the moments that I'm looking forward to with him are all just a fantasy I suppose...
For years I've taken the blame or the Disposition of accepting the blame for his rants or criticism. For years now I've been working on myself and just who I am, all the while thinking that I wasn't good enough or that I was the broken one in the relationship so therefore needing fixing. I looked at how I could be better, more loving, more quite, a better house keeper, a better mate, a better what ever... for him that is... never really knowing what it was that I did or didn't do and yet continuing to try...
Sound familiar with anyone out there? Trying to be what the other person wants so that you will feel the love that you crave? Needing acceptance from the one that says they love you, but is not happy with you over a multitude of things? Is bitterness on his part a factor in all of this? I wonder... where is forgiveness, patience, honor, encouragement, and love in any of this? Where is God? The one that is supposed to be the center of our marriage, the center of our lives, the center of the Love that we signed up for on the altar that day...
So I sit back and gather the facts that have been Drummed in to me... What I don't do, what I didn't do, what I should and shouldn't do or say... think or feel... and yet here I am and I'm still not lovable even after trying to meet those Demands from a person who is now Deserting me...
So I seek what I can in who I am and say... Damn, I'm good!
It's not about me after all... So many circumstances come to mind when I bended, compromised out of Love, and now have been left in the Dust... so many memories come back to flood my mind with the hurt of not being enough. And I wonder... was he ever happy? Did I ever make him happy? Is his misery, that has been blamed on me, really all about me?
Whether or not I have ADHD or on pain medications, sleep medications or not, am I really that important to anyone that I can make them miserable and they allow it? I just can't see that as a possibility. I know for me, as sad and hurt as I am, I'm going to be ok. Things will work out and I'll survive.
Maybe it's because years ago I made the Decision to never be a victim. To choose to be above the person that hurt me and to protect everyone I know of ever being hurt. And yet, I'm the Issac here... willing to be the sacrifice, but my Abraham isn't listening to God's voice. So I've been killed on the alter instead of being saved. I've become the one who is Dispensable...
I've been told that I may never know all the answers and that I need to accept that. That I will never know the why's to everything, so I should just stop looking... and yet, I find that to be extremely Deplorable in my head and now my heart... Isn't it our job to find the answers we seek to understand and grow? To look at a situation and see the result whether it be good or bad, so that we can grow and change? To Desire to be everything we can be and more?
Maybe that's the crux to it all... the Desire... the longing to be what we are to be and contentment is what we find along the way, but not to be used as a stopping point. Do most people who are content then stop growing? Stop becoming who they are to become because they have gotten there? And if they have gotten there, then why aren't they Dead and in heaven with God? Having attained all that they were put here to learn that is?
Maybe my issue is with contentment... And yet, I'm very content with my life at times, it's when I look and see how someone else would make it even more complete with being able to share it with them that I guess I lose my contentment, or do I? I mean what is contentment? or is that for another blog because it doesn't start with a "D"....
But now it's been associated with Distance, Don't talk to me, Don't in many cases really, Divorce and now Dumb husband....
He's not a bad guy, just not the man that wants to meet my needs in my life and is unwilling to Determine what his needs are that I can attain. You may ask what is it that I need then? I've been asking that now for years as I watched the Demise, yes another D word, of my marriage. And yet, my journals over the years clearly spell out what my needs were, are and will be. Yet when I've attempted to share those things with him, I'm the one living in a fantasy life, not living in reality, and that he'll never be the man that I want him to be... Hmmm... Sharing my hopes and Dreams, my Daily life experiences, how much I love him, recalling the moments that we've had, and the moments that I'm looking forward to with him are all just a fantasy I suppose...
For years I've taken the blame or the Disposition of accepting the blame for his rants or criticism. For years now I've been working on myself and just who I am, all the while thinking that I wasn't good enough or that I was the broken one in the relationship so therefore needing fixing. I looked at how I could be better, more loving, more quite, a better house keeper, a better mate, a better what ever... for him that is... never really knowing what it was that I did or didn't do and yet continuing to try...
Sound familiar with anyone out there? Trying to be what the other person wants so that you will feel the love that you crave? Needing acceptance from the one that says they love you, but is not happy with you over a multitude of things? Is bitterness on his part a factor in all of this? I wonder... where is forgiveness, patience, honor, encouragement, and love in any of this? Where is God? The one that is supposed to be the center of our marriage, the center of our lives, the center of the Love that we signed up for on the altar that day...
So I sit back and gather the facts that have been Drummed in to me... What I don't do, what I didn't do, what I should and shouldn't do or say... think or feel... and yet here I am and I'm still not lovable even after trying to meet those Demands from a person who is now Deserting me...
So I seek what I can in who I am and say... Damn, I'm good!
It's not about me after all... So many circumstances come to mind when I bended, compromised out of Love, and now have been left in the Dust... so many memories come back to flood my mind with the hurt of not being enough. And I wonder... was he ever happy? Did I ever make him happy? Is his misery, that has been blamed on me, really all about me?
Whether or not I have ADHD or on pain medications, sleep medications or not, am I really that important to anyone that I can make them miserable and they allow it? I just can't see that as a possibility. I know for me, as sad and hurt as I am, I'm going to be ok. Things will work out and I'll survive.
Maybe it's because years ago I made the Decision to never be a victim. To choose to be above the person that hurt me and to protect everyone I know of ever being hurt. And yet, I'm the Issac here... willing to be the sacrifice, but my Abraham isn't listening to God's voice. So I've been killed on the alter instead of being saved. I've become the one who is Dispensable...
I've been told that I may never know all the answers and that I need to accept that. That I will never know the why's to everything, so I should just stop looking... and yet, I find that to be extremely Deplorable in my head and now my heart... Isn't it our job to find the answers we seek to understand and grow? To look at a situation and see the result whether it be good or bad, so that we can grow and change? To Desire to be everything we can be and more?
Maybe that's the crux to it all... the Desire... the longing to be what we are to be and contentment is what we find along the way, but not to be used as a stopping point. Do most people who are content then stop growing? Stop becoming who they are to become because they have gotten there? And if they have gotten there, then why aren't they Dead and in heaven with God? Having attained all that they were put here to learn that is?
Maybe my issue is with contentment... And yet, I'm very content with my life at times, it's when I look and see how someone else would make it even more complete with being able to share it with them that I guess I lose my contentment, or do I? I mean what is contentment? or is that for another blog because it doesn't start with a "D"....
Friday, December 18, 2009
ADHD - Can you relate?
Inside - out seems to be a popular term for ADHD'rs who want the world to know that we are who we are and in most cases, we are extremely sorry for it and how it affects those around us.
These books may help in understanding ADHD as well:
Is It you, me or ADHD?
You mean I'm not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy? - Kate Kelly and Peggy Ramundo
Honey, Are you Listening? - Dr. Rick Fowler & Jerilyn Fowler
Driven to Distraction - Dr. Hallowell
There are a few more, but thought these would get you started. There is tons of info on ADHD now more than before. I think a lot of us that were undiagnosed for years are finally looking for answers as to why we have had such a struggle in life. The loss of jobs, the loss of friendships, the inability to keep our home, finances and our lives in line with what is considered to be "Normal" has finally put a toll on our relationships, financial status or self esteem.
It's truly amazing at how many kids in my age bracket that went undiagnosed or mis-diagnosed for years. It's only after those around us finally give up on us, or something tramatic takes place that makes us take a long hard look at why we can't seem to fit in.
I'm fortunate than most that I had the parents I had, not to mention my siblings and family that have loved me through the worst of times. They are the ones that have kept me from going over the edge and have loved me through it all. Now as I learn more and grow with my disorder, they are the ones that appreciate me the most as well. They see the changes in me and in some cases are astonished at how well I cope with things now.
Part of that is that I just don't give a damn about what others think about me anymore. Well, not as much as I used to. I have this sense about me that I'm ok and that it's ok if people don't like me. But since adopting that persona, more people seem to be drawn to me. Funny how that works. I also am not afraid to accept my limitations and ask for help instead of steam rolling people. I think that has gone a lot further than I ever thought possible. I never realized how pushy I was or demanding. UGH... Makes me cringe to think back at how I appeared to others when I was in my work mode!
I've also started making my own rules about things that I can control. Especially when it comes to projects. Instead of having a ton of them going on all at once, I try and limit myself to only 3. And when I finish one, then I get to start another one. This keeps me interested in all three, but not over whelmed to where I just give up completely. There are many life skills that I've learned and have used for years that I'm bringing back to the forefront of my life. Things that worked for me when I was younger, but just set aside thinking I was "ok" and didn't need them anymore. Talk about a false sense of security. It was hard for me to admit that I need structure in my life, although I despise it immensely.
I also went back to my child hood to find out what my currency was. That is to say, what makes me feel appreciated enough so that I do finish things. What is my reward system for following through. That is a huge thing for most ADHD'rs. Once you find the currency for motivation, then you've hit the nail on the head. For me it was being able to have friends over or go out to play. My room had to be clean turned into the house being picked up. Having my chores done before I was allowed to go out to the movies or spend time with a book. Things like that have worked for me as well as buying stuff. Since I'm not working, the guilt from spending money we don't really have has been heavy on my heart. So I'm back into making things with all the stuff I already have. And believe me, I have tons of stuff. I've also decided to start giving things away or selling them if I haven't used them in the past 5 years. What's the point to having stuff when you die anyway? More crap for your family to sort out, like what happened when my Mom passed away.
So I get to be a blessing to others by giving them a piece of me. It sounds pretty selfish in a way, but all in all, it's being used by someone who really needs it. That's the way I look at it at least. I get to smile inside when I see something I've given away being used too, but I no longer have to point out that I gave it to them and then make it about me, instead of my heart for God. This was a huge thing for me as I never realized I did that! Talk about a huge feeling of OMG!
There are also many ways in which we tend to look at ourselves that cause us to not place a value on ourselves as we should. It's as if we value others more than ourselves simply because they are "normal" and we aren't. Even if we haven't been diagnosed, there is this feeling that we are different that plagues us. It's what makes us try so hard, push so hard, and fail so hard.
The problem is compounded by the fact that we've heard all our lives that we just need to try harder, to just do it the right way, to not over do it, that we are lazy, selfish or worse. Because inside we are trying very very hard to be just like everybody else. But we can't see how they do it simply because our brains are hard wired differently.
And unfortunately, our gifts usually lay outside of the box and so go unnoticed by most people and mostly by ourselves. I've asked myself this question so often in my life.... Why can I do somethings really easy, the things that come hard to most, and yet simply miss the point on the simplest things according to what everybody else gets so easily?
Take for example being on time. I've always been early. You know why? Because I hate being late because I remember how it affects other people. So I've always planned in an extra 30 mins into my time frame. However, most ADHD'rs don't care or don't take the time to notice how their being late affects other people or their jobs.
Another example would be my perfectionist "Find Waldo" ability. It centers around the fact that because I'm always sifting through loads of chaos in my head and coming out the other end, I have the ability to sift through the many distract-able things and focus on what I'm looking for. Hence the strips on the hat... being able to hyper focus at will allows me to find waldo quickly.
Or the memory game... It's not that I remember all the items, but that I remember what the picture looked like and can replay it in my head to find all the items. I've been doing that since school when I'd draw shapes and put my notes into them. When it came to tests, all I had to do was remember what was in the shapes and I'd ace the test. It wasn't the actual statistics that I remembered, it was the way I remembered them.
Things like that have helped me, while other things have continued to be a hindrance. While my perfectionism works great with finding waldo, it's horrible when it comes to getting things done. This of course is the antithesis of my procrastination. I will put off what needs to get done until either I have the time or am running out of time to do it right the first time. Simply because doing it half way isn't acceptable to me. Pretty tough on myself, and harder on others that have to deal with my procrastination. That or the opposite rings true... I'm so focused on getting it done on time that I push others to meet my time schedule which of course never ends well when it comes to making friends. This of course I've tempered with, it will get done when it gets done... or I plan ahead a week so that I don't get rushed at the last minute. I also ask for a lot of help now instead of internalizing my frustrations until I blow up.
I've realized it's much better to be a tea kettle that slowly lets our steam a little at a time, than be a pot boiling over. Yes, you get boiling water either way you do it, but usually with the tea pot, no one gets scalded.
Honest with my emotions has not come easy to me. I've always been able to touch on my sadness or frustration which led to anger, but I've just recently been able to feel hurt. That sounds pretty weird, but I don't believe I ever just felt hurt without jumping instantly to being angry. Same with my sadness or frustration. Now that I can feel hurt and stay in that moment, I can bypass the anger by allowing the other person to approach me without the fear of me going off on them with my anger or frustration. Of course this has taken years for me to get the hang of, but it sure helps with Dave.
He still doesn't understand, and I doubt he ever will totally, what it means to be like I am. He's a great guy and tries to be understanding and encouraging, but he says all the wrong things with the best of intentions. Reminds me of myself actually. But with my new understanding of how most of the population sees us, he's just like them and I have to give him the grace that I hope and pray he gives me. I also now have the ability to tell him how much I appreciate his encouragement, but that what he is saying is not helping me any. It might hurt his feelings a bit, but at least it doesn't send me into a tizzy thinking how thoughtless he is about who I am.
I guess the most important part is that I'm ok with who I am and I no longer focus on the how badly I'm doing. I see the many gifts that I've been given and point those out to myself and others as much as possible. Especially when I'm asking for help. It's ok for me not to be good at everything or to know everything. Even if I do... hee hee... In fact I know I don't know everything and it's ok to ask questions... as long as I take a deep breath and listen well. Something else I'm getting better at, or so I hope.
It's hard when I see life through Hobo Kelly Glasses... a world transformed by color and imaginary things that come to life. The interest in the adventure and the quest for something new that never ends is a bonus in my life. I'm not afraid of much simply because I see life as one big adventure and you just never know what's around the corner. It's about taking the opportunities that come you way, but also allowing others to share in them as well. It's about not taking yourself or others for that matter, too seriously as we are human and are intrinsically different for many reasons.
Finding out that the world does not revolve around me has been a blow to my own ego, but then again, it's all perspective. If I allow others to be a part of my world, then we all grow because of the shared experiences. Whether they are bad or good, we can all learn from one another. It's when we close ourselves off out of shame, frustration, anger or pity, that we lose out on the gift that God has blessed us with and those gifts from other people as well. So what if we aren't Atlas holding the entire world by our own hands... why not just be one of the many boats on the sea, not in a race to see who's better, but instead as a caravan of sightseers out for a morning sail? Again it comes down to perspective...
If I could help anyone, it would be to be able to open up their perspective to the many options available to us. Not everyone sees the same, smells the same or tastes the same even if they are looking at the same thing, around the same aromas or eating the same food. And yet, all that we see can be beautiful, smell wonderful or taste scrumptious. To deny one person of these things would be wrong! So what if I think onions smell hideous? To most people, they are yummy... I need not go into too many other distinctions as you get the point...
Opening up and accepting myself for all my faults is one thing, but to open myself up and see all the wondrous things that lay inside of me, is what I'm in the process of doing at this point in my life. And it's amazing at how much more I understand, accept and have empathy and compassion for in others because of it.
The fact is, I'm never going to be perfect or worse yet, "normal". But I can take all the good within me and bring it to the forefront for all to see. It's like being a piece of the puzzle of life... I'm just one piece, but I only fit into one space and not unlike the other pieces, I have my place just where I'm supposed to be. This type of acceptance has helped me to rewrite my own internal negativism that has been and still in some small ways continues to rewind in my own head. But over coming that is what I cheer myself on to, as it's what's make me "normal".
These books may help in understanding ADHD as well:
Is It you, me or ADHD?
You mean I'm not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy? - Kate Kelly and Peggy Ramundo
Honey, Are you Listening? - Dr. Rick Fowler & Jerilyn Fowler
Driven to Distraction - Dr. Hallowell
There are a few more, but thought these would get you started. There is tons of info on ADHD now more than before. I think a lot of us that were undiagnosed for years are finally looking for answers as to why we have had such a struggle in life. The loss of jobs, the loss of friendships, the inability to keep our home, finances and our lives in line with what is considered to be "Normal" has finally put a toll on our relationships, financial status or self esteem.
It's truly amazing at how many kids in my age bracket that went undiagnosed or mis-diagnosed for years. It's only after those around us finally give up on us, or something tramatic takes place that makes us take a long hard look at why we can't seem to fit in.
I'm fortunate than most that I had the parents I had, not to mention my siblings and family that have loved me through the worst of times. They are the ones that have kept me from going over the edge and have loved me through it all. Now as I learn more and grow with my disorder, they are the ones that appreciate me the most as well. They see the changes in me and in some cases are astonished at how well I cope with things now.
Part of that is that I just don't give a damn about what others think about me anymore. Well, not as much as I used to. I have this sense about me that I'm ok and that it's ok if people don't like me. But since adopting that persona, more people seem to be drawn to me. Funny how that works. I also am not afraid to accept my limitations and ask for help instead of steam rolling people. I think that has gone a lot further than I ever thought possible. I never realized how pushy I was or demanding. UGH... Makes me cringe to think back at how I appeared to others when I was in my work mode!
I've also started making my own rules about things that I can control. Especially when it comes to projects. Instead of having a ton of them going on all at once, I try and limit myself to only 3. And when I finish one, then I get to start another one. This keeps me interested in all three, but not over whelmed to where I just give up completely. There are many life skills that I've learned and have used for years that I'm bringing back to the forefront of my life. Things that worked for me when I was younger, but just set aside thinking I was "ok" and didn't need them anymore. Talk about a false sense of security. It was hard for me to admit that I need structure in my life, although I despise it immensely.
I also went back to my child hood to find out what my currency was. That is to say, what makes me feel appreciated enough so that I do finish things. What is my reward system for following through. That is a huge thing for most ADHD'rs. Once you find the currency for motivation, then you've hit the nail on the head. For me it was being able to have friends over or go out to play. My room had to be clean turned into the house being picked up. Having my chores done before I was allowed to go out to the movies or spend time with a book. Things like that have worked for me as well as buying stuff. Since I'm not working, the guilt from spending money we don't really have has been heavy on my heart. So I'm back into making things with all the stuff I already have. And believe me, I have tons of stuff. I've also decided to start giving things away or selling them if I haven't used them in the past 5 years. What's the point to having stuff when you die anyway? More crap for your family to sort out, like what happened when my Mom passed away.
So I get to be a blessing to others by giving them a piece of me. It sounds pretty selfish in a way, but all in all, it's being used by someone who really needs it. That's the way I look at it at least. I get to smile inside when I see something I've given away being used too, but I no longer have to point out that I gave it to them and then make it about me, instead of my heart for God. This was a huge thing for me as I never realized I did that! Talk about a huge feeling of OMG!
There are also many ways in which we tend to look at ourselves that cause us to not place a value on ourselves as we should. It's as if we value others more than ourselves simply because they are "normal" and we aren't. Even if we haven't been diagnosed, there is this feeling that we are different that plagues us. It's what makes us try so hard, push so hard, and fail so hard.
The problem is compounded by the fact that we've heard all our lives that we just need to try harder, to just do it the right way, to not over do it, that we are lazy, selfish or worse. Because inside we are trying very very hard to be just like everybody else. But we can't see how they do it simply because our brains are hard wired differently.
And unfortunately, our gifts usually lay outside of the box and so go unnoticed by most people and mostly by ourselves. I've asked myself this question so often in my life.... Why can I do somethings really easy, the things that come hard to most, and yet simply miss the point on the simplest things according to what everybody else gets so easily?
Take for example being on time. I've always been early. You know why? Because I hate being late because I remember how it affects other people. So I've always planned in an extra 30 mins into my time frame. However, most ADHD'rs don't care or don't take the time to notice how their being late affects other people or their jobs.
Another example would be my perfectionist "Find Waldo" ability. It centers around the fact that because I'm always sifting through loads of chaos in my head and coming out the other end, I have the ability to sift through the many distract-able things and focus on what I'm looking for. Hence the strips on the hat... being able to hyper focus at will allows me to find waldo quickly.
Or the memory game... It's not that I remember all the items, but that I remember what the picture looked like and can replay it in my head to find all the items. I've been doing that since school when I'd draw shapes and put my notes into them. When it came to tests, all I had to do was remember what was in the shapes and I'd ace the test. It wasn't the actual statistics that I remembered, it was the way I remembered them.
Things like that have helped me, while other things have continued to be a hindrance. While my perfectionism works great with finding waldo, it's horrible when it comes to getting things done. This of course is the antithesis of my procrastination. I will put off what needs to get done until either I have the time or am running out of time to do it right the first time. Simply because doing it half way isn't acceptable to me. Pretty tough on myself, and harder on others that have to deal with my procrastination. That or the opposite rings true... I'm so focused on getting it done on time that I push others to meet my time schedule which of course never ends well when it comes to making friends. This of course I've tempered with, it will get done when it gets done... or I plan ahead a week so that I don't get rushed at the last minute. I also ask for a lot of help now instead of internalizing my frustrations until I blow up.
I've realized it's much better to be a tea kettle that slowly lets our steam a little at a time, than be a pot boiling over. Yes, you get boiling water either way you do it, but usually with the tea pot, no one gets scalded.
Honest with my emotions has not come easy to me. I've always been able to touch on my sadness or frustration which led to anger, but I've just recently been able to feel hurt. That sounds pretty weird, but I don't believe I ever just felt hurt without jumping instantly to being angry. Same with my sadness or frustration. Now that I can feel hurt and stay in that moment, I can bypass the anger by allowing the other person to approach me without the fear of me going off on them with my anger or frustration. Of course this has taken years for me to get the hang of, but it sure helps with Dave.
He still doesn't understand, and I doubt he ever will totally, what it means to be like I am. He's a great guy and tries to be understanding and encouraging, but he says all the wrong things with the best of intentions. Reminds me of myself actually. But with my new understanding of how most of the population sees us, he's just like them and I have to give him the grace that I hope and pray he gives me. I also now have the ability to tell him how much I appreciate his encouragement, but that what he is saying is not helping me any. It might hurt his feelings a bit, but at least it doesn't send me into a tizzy thinking how thoughtless he is about who I am.
I guess the most important part is that I'm ok with who I am and I no longer focus on the how badly I'm doing. I see the many gifts that I've been given and point those out to myself and others as much as possible. Especially when I'm asking for help. It's ok for me not to be good at everything or to know everything. Even if I do... hee hee... In fact I know I don't know everything and it's ok to ask questions... as long as I take a deep breath and listen well. Something else I'm getting better at, or so I hope.
It's hard when I see life through Hobo Kelly Glasses... a world transformed by color and imaginary things that come to life. The interest in the adventure and the quest for something new that never ends is a bonus in my life. I'm not afraid of much simply because I see life as one big adventure and you just never know what's around the corner. It's about taking the opportunities that come you way, but also allowing others to share in them as well. It's about not taking yourself or others for that matter, too seriously as we are human and are intrinsically different for many reasons.
Finding out that the world does not revolve around me has been a blow to my own ego, but then again, it's all perspective. If I allow others to be a part of my world, then we all grow because of the shared experiences. Whether they are bad or good, we can all learn from one another. It's when we close ourselves off out of shame, frustration, anger or pity, that we lose out on the gift that God has blessed us with and those gifts from other people as well. So what if we aren't Atlas holding the entire world by our own hands... why not just be one of the many boats on the sea, not in a race to see who's better, but instead as a caravan of sightseers out for a morning sail? Again it comes down to perspective...
If I could help anyone, it would be to be able to open up their perspective to the many options available to us. Not everyone sees the same, smells the same or tastes the same even if they are looking at the same thing, around the same aromas or eating the same food. And yet, all that we see can be beautiful, smell wonderful or taste scrumptious. To deny one person of these things would be wrong! So what if I think onions smell hideous? To most people, they are yummy... I need not go into too many other distinctions as you get the point...
Opening up and accepting myself for all my faults is one thing, but to open myself up and see all the wondrous things that lay inside of me, is what I'm in the process of doing at this point in my life. And it's amazing at how much more I understand, accept and have empathy and compassion for in others because of it.
The fact is, I'm never going to be perfect or worse yet, "normal". But I can take all the good within me and bring it to the forefront for all to see. It's like being a piece of the puzzle of life... I'm just one piece, but I only fit into one space and not unlike the other pieces, I have my place just where I'm supposed to be. This type of acceptance has helped me to rewrite my own internal negativism that has been and still in some small ways continues to rewind in my own head. But over coming that is what I cheer myself on to, as it's what's make me "normal".
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Wimps Don't Cry...
What is it with guys that it's not ok to cry? That it's not "manly" to show emotion of any kind, lest you be thought of as a weakling or a cry baby?
I grew up with brothers and boy cousins, so I think I can speak to the fact that "wimps don't cry". Being a girl or more like a Tomboy, I had issues with this over the years. To be part of the gang, not like today's gang but more like the Little Rascals, I had to be faster and better at things than the littlest or worse boy just to be able to hang. That meant that I had to be able to climb a tree faster, run without shoes, shoot the slingshot with better accuracy and more than not, deal with a little blood, sweat and no tears.
I cried so much to my dismay, into my bed covers when I was younger because of my ADHD and my Mother's inability to love me for the way I was. I eventually told God that I didn't want to cry or complain about my poor excuse of a life anymore and so I stopped crying for a number of years. It was as if I could just shut it off from myself so that it wouldn't happen and somehow people and events couldn't make me cry.
As a young woman, I felt it wrong to use tears to manipulate men into doing something I wanted them to do. Heck, if they didn't want to do it, I was able to find someone who would. No big deal when you are single, skinny and athletic.
Now I find that there are times when I wish I could pour on the tears as I think that would make my spouse feel like I was more of woman and therefore make him feel more like a man? But it's just not me as I feel as though it would be a manipulation of sorts to get him to feel something for me that he may not otherwise feel.
In fact, I did cry over my broken arm! Not when I fell, not when it hurt, not even after surgery. I had to explain to the doctors that I was brought up with the "Wimps Don't Cry" motto as they too looked at me like I was nuts! I guess by their expressions after looking at the x-rays that I should have been crying constantly by the amount of pain I should have been in... But it took me 3 years and a trip to England and Ireland for me to cry over the death of my Mother. But if I watch something sentimental on TV or in a movie or see old people, kids or animals being hurt I'm a blubbering idiot...well not exactly, but I do cry, once in a while now.
I wonder why my opinion of myself has led me to believe that others would think less of me if I was to cry? What does it feel like to be a wimp? And why is being sentimental and overly sensitive a wrong thing in today's society? Or is that opinion just saved for the male species?
I've lived my life making a place for myself. I've lived my life never turning back and saying I wish I didn't do this or that. I've lived my life looking forward to the next thrill and yet I can't cry... Does that make me a wimp then? Not being able to do something that I want to do very badly? or is it that all of my tears are saved for others and not myself? Or is it that I just don't know what feelings to have when I need them? Is this what an ADHD Fog is like?
Should I be sad over something that isn't sad to me but to others? Should I react the way others expect me to react or the way I would have reacted if no one was around? How many little girls would cry if they had no audience? How many little boys would if they didn't?
What makes us decide when to please others and when not to? Why is it so important to fit in and be what others want or expect us to be? And why then are we not allowed to expect others to act in the way that we think they should or would? Why do others cry when they should rejoice and why don't I see the reasons why we should cry at all?
All tears have done for me is give me a headache and a runny nose. And yet, it's the way that the Holy Spirit shows me that I am being filled. No runny nose and no headache... but why choose tears? Is it because I have forgotten how the cleansing of tears wash away the dirt and grime of the past? or is it evidence that the Hold Spirit is with me, doing something that I can not do on my own?
So as I continue to ponder why Wimps Don't Cry, let me know what makes you cry. Clue me in as to why such a simple act as letting go of some water from your eyes has the ability to stop men in their tracks to ask if they can do something to help you... is it out of chivalry, out of wonder, or just because it's something so foreign to a man that they have to stop and see for themselves what it was that caused this emotional response? And do you think I could learn this manipulation trick in my old age or would it be pointless...
Friday, September 25, 2009
When do you know to give up?
I think for most people, a few days, a few times, but definitely when you feel like you've been left behind... but what happens when God tells you not to give up but trust in Him?
The ingredients of a cake alone, are all but gross. But put them together and you have a wonderful tasting dessert that makes the mouth water... that is if you put the ingredients in properly and cook it for enough time at the right heat.
So how do you know what the right amount of time is? Usually a cake cooks at about 325-350 degrees, depending if you are in the mountains or so far above sea level... but how do you determine time? Using a tooth pick seems to be the given way to determine if you've cooked it long enough... if the tooth pick comes out clean it's done... but it doesn't work that way with brownies.... you have to go by what it looks like on the edges instead... and what about bread? or a souffle?
Mom's bangers and mash was all about how it smelled, and the same goes for most baked dishes. But with meat, you have to be careful. Too high a heat and it gets too cooked on the edges and can be raw in the middle...
That's what my marriage was like. Cooked on the edges and raw in the middle. I must have had the heat turned up too high and not let it simmer in it's own juices... One of the best recipes for meat loaf, pun intended, is to cook it low and long... Hmmm.... interesting how we can take a look at our food, how we make it and apply it to marriage.
How many of you cook with wine? Brandy? The flame, it's all about the flame. But it only cooks off the alcohol and then what do you have left? The taste I suppose, but why do you need to put it on fire? What type of challenge makes us want to do that? Is it the colors of it, the danger of it, or just because it's cool? And if we didn't set it on fire, what would happen to the alcohol? Would it burn out eventually and would the taste be the same? Or is the burnt crust that we are looking for?
Me, my Mom burnt everything... I wonder why when she had 3 hooliguns to keep up with all the while trying to make us dinner.... we never showed up on time and was late most of the time... so is it her fault that we took longer to get there and there fore her dinner was over cooked? We were so hungry that we didn't even seem to notice. We just ate it thinking it was supposed to be this way. Oh if we had only known how much effort went into following the recipe just so... we ruined many a dinner for our Mom and never realized that we added to her lack of self esteem. How could she have one when she was always burning dinner? Proper planning works great when you have people ready to eat, but if you have to round them up after it's done, well it's just poor performance on our part now isn't it....
Then there are the delicate desserts... very pretty, very appealing and what did we do? We'd sneak by and put our fingers in it.... no wonder tupperware came out with lids for the jellow molds. It wasn't because of the film on the top that would settle on it in the fridge, it was the poking of our finger tips to see how bouncy it was... sorta like poking someone when they aren't quite awake... yes pun intended here as well... I mean how can you get any positive result when you aren't even ready yet?
Then there's the layered dishes... pefectly timed so that the custard in the middle wouldn't sink to the bottom of the jello portion and then the whipped topping, so fluffy and full that if you put it on too soon, it would melt or so it appeared that way as the air all fell out of it. And what about those souffles? How on earth could you possibly have it not sink when there was so much stomping and slamming going on in the house? How could anything stay up in an environment like that?
So now that the baking is over, the cook has retired and the masses are still hungry for food, I wait until the strike is over in hopes that I'll get some brownies out of it eventually. I can't afford to give up so maybe it's time I learn how to cook for myself?
The ingredients of a cake alone, are all but gross. But put them together and you have a wonderful tasting dessert that makes the mouth water... that is if you put the ingredients in properly and cook it for enough time at the right heat.
So how do you know what the right amount of time is? Usually a cake cooks at about 325-350 degrees, depending if you are in the mountains or so far above sea level... but how do you determine time? Using a tooth pick seems to be the given way to determine if you've cooked it long enough... if the tooth pick comes out clean it's done... but it doesn't work that way with brownies.... you have to go by what it looks like on the edges instead... and what about bread? or a souffle?
Mom's bangers and mash was all about how it smelled, and the same goes for most baked dishes. But with meat, you have to be careful. Too high a heat and it gets too cooked on the edges and can be raw in the middle...
That's what my marriage was like. Cooked on the edges and raw in the middle. I must have had the heat turned up too high and not let it simmer in it's own juices... One of the best recipes for meat loaf, pun intended, is to cook it low and long... Hmmm.... interesting how we can take a look at our food, how we make it and apply it to marriage.
How many of you cook with wine? Brandy? The flame, it's all about the flame. But it only cooks off the alcohol and then what do you have left? The taste I suppose, but why do you need to put it on fire? What type of challenge makes us want to do that? Is it the colors of it, the danger of it, or just because it's cool? And if we didn't set it on fire, what would happen to the alcohol? Would it burn out eventually and would the taste be the same? Or is the burnt crust that we are looking for?
Me, my Mom burnt everything... I wonder why when she had 3 hooliguns to keep up with all the while trying to make us dinner.... we never showed up on time and was late most of the time... so is it her fault that we took longer to get there and there fore her dinner was over cooked? We were so hungry that we didn't even seem to notice. We just ate it thinking it was supposed to be this way. Oh if we had only known how much effort went into following the recipe just so... we ruined many a dinner for our Mom and never realized that we added to her lack of self esteem. How could she have one when she was always burning dinner? Proper planning works great when you have people ready to eat, but if you have to round them up after it's done, well it's just poor performance on our part now isn't it....
Then there are the delicate desserts... very pretty, very appealing and what did we do? We'd sneak by and put our fingers in it.... no wonder tupperware came out with lids for the jellow molds. It wasn't because of the film on the top that would settle on it in the fridge, it was the poking of our finger tips to see how bouncy it was... sorta like poking someone when they aren't quite awake... yes pun intended here as well... I mean how can you get any positive result when you aren't even ready yet?
Then there's the layered dishes... pefectly timed so that the custard in the middle wouldn't sink to the bottom of the jello portion and then the whipped topping, so fluffy and full that if you put it on too soon, it would melt or so it appeared that way as the air all fell out of it. And what about those souffles? How on earth could you possibly have it not sink when there was so much stomping and slamming going on in the house? How could anything stay up in an environment like that?
So now that the baking is over, the cook has retired and the masses are still hungry for food, I wait until the strike is over in hopes that I'll get some brownies out of it eventually. I can't afford to give up so maybe it's time I learn how to cook for myself?
Friday, September 18, 2009
Is it a guy thing?
What is it about men and women? Why must we battle for control when it's not really control that we are after, but instead understanding and unconditional love?
Why do women get pegged as the emotional ones, yet it's the man who blows up verbally at the first sign of conflict with his beliefs?
Why is it that women must be the ones to back down to keep the argument from escalating and be the first one to apologize and forgive for love to return?
Can a women really affect a man and change him into a frog when he used to be a prince?
Is figuring out, being smarter to avoid confrontation, really a tool of manipulation? And if it is, then why didn't they figure it out like we did to begin with?
Are women really stronger, smarter and more capable of living in this world than men? And if so, then why do men still run it?
I wonder, ponder more than anything as there probably isn't really an answer, as to why there has to be conflict to begin with. Why can't we agree to disagree without getting angry or taking things personal? Why can't we comprehend that everyone has a different point of view and respect that fact? Why can't we find compromise instead of determining that you are wrong and I am right?
How does a woman actually break a man, when it's he that has already broken her? How does someone stick up for themselves after verbally being beaten down, without being accused of lying or saying untruths?
Why is it out of spite that you prove them wrong, and out of spite when you prove them right? How do you then do what is right and without spite?
How do you determine what is intentional in the mind of others, when it's your perspective that determines the decision?
How can one person decide what the other is feeling, when the person tells them that they are not feeling that way, but then begins to feel that way because they have been told all day that that's how they are feeling?
If I'm angry, I'll tell you I'm angry. Don't tell me I'm angry all day and then act surprised when I blow up at you after I get angry about you telling me I'm angry when I wasn't... makes sense to me...
So if we are all parts in a play of life, the queen of hearts, the jack of spades and the black horseman, who is who and when are they those pieces of the game?
What determines a persons ability to determine others feelings when they are incapable of recognizing their own? And what right does anyone have to push their feelings upon others and then get upset when it's unwanted?
How does a man think he can tell a women what to do, how to do it, what to feel, how to feel, what to say, what not to say, and how to think and what to think when he is not a woman?
Lost within my mind of wonder, pondering what it means to be loved and accepted for who and what I am... does he not see my heart or is he blinded by his own anger and resentment that he does not even consider that I'm capable of forgiveness regardless of the crime?
Why do women get pegged as the emotional ones, yet it's the man who blows up verbally at the first sign of conflict with his beliefs?
Why is it that women must be the ones to back down to keep the argument from escalating and be the first one to apologize and forgive for love to return?
Can a women really affect a man and change him into a frog when he used to be a prince?
Is figuring out, being smarter to avoid confrontation, really a tool of manipulation? And if it is, then why didn't they figure it out like we did to begin with?
Are women really stronger, smarter and more capable of living in this world than men? And if so, then why do men still run it?
I wonder, ponder more than anything as there probably isn't really an answer, as to why there has to be conflict to begin with. Why can't we agree to disagree without getting angry or taking things personal? Why can't we comprehend that everyone has a different point of view and respect that fact? Why can't we find compromise instead of determining that you are wrong and I am right?
How does a woman actually break a man, when it's he that has already broken her? How does someone stick up for themselves after verbally being beaten down, without being accused of lying or saying untruths?
Why is it out of spite that you prove them wrong, and out of spite when you prove them right? How do you then do what is right and without spite?
How do you determine what is intentional in the mind of others, when it's your perspective that determines the decision?
How can one person decide what the other is feeling, when the person tells them that they are not feeling that way, but then begins to feel that way because they have been told all day that that's how they are feeling?
If I'm angry, I'll tell you I'm angry. Don't tell me I'm angry all day and then act surprised when I blow up at you after I get angry about you telling me I'm angry when I wasn't... makes sense to me...
So if we are all parts in a play of life, the queen of hearts, the jack of spades and the black horseman, who is who and when are they those pieces of the game?
What determines a persons ability to determine others feelings when they are incapable of recognizing their own? And what right does anyone have to push their feelings upon others and then get upset when it's unwanted?
How does a man think he can tell a women what to do, how to do it, what to feel, how to feel, what to say, what not to say, and how to think and what to think when he is not a woman?
Lost within my mind of wonder, pondering what it means to be loved and accepted for who and what I am... does he not see my heart or is he blinded by his own anger and resentment that he does not even consider that I'm capable of forgiveness regardless of the crime?
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