D is for....

It used to be for my Dear husband... His first name, how I looked at him as my Darling...

But now it's been associated with Distance, Don't talk to me, Don't in many cases really, Divorce and now Dumb husband....

He's not a bad guy, just not the man that wants to meet my needs in my life and is unwilling to Determine what his needs are that I can attain. You may ask what is it that I need then? I've been asking that now for years as I watched the Demise, yes another D word, of my marriage. And yet, my journals over the years clearly spell out what my needs were, are and will be. Yet when I've attempted to share those things with him, I'm the one living in a fantasy life, not living in reality, and that he'll never be the man that I want him to be... Hmmm... Sharing my hopes and Dreams, my Daily life experiences, how much I love him, recalling the moments that we've had, and the moments that I'm looking forward to with him are all just a fantasy I suppose...

For years I've taken the blame or the Disposition of accepting the blame for his rants or criticism. For years now I've been working on myself and just who I am, all the while thinking that I wasn't good enough or that I was the broken one in the relationship so therefore needing fixing. I looked at how I could be better, more loving, more quite, a better house keeper, a better mate, a better what ever... for him that is... never really knowing what it was that I did or didn't do and yet continuing to try...

Sound familiar with anyone out there? Trying to be what the other person wants so that you will feel the love that you crave? Needing acceptance from the one that says they love you, but is not happy with you over a multitude of things? Is bitterness on his part a factor in all of this? I wonder... where is forgiveness, patience, honor, encouragement, and love in any of this? Where is God? The one that is supposed to be the center of our marriage, the center of our lives, the center of the Love that we signed up for on the altar that day...

So I sit back and gather the facts that have been Drummed in to me... What I don't do, what I didn't do, what I should and shouldn't do or say... think or feel... and yet here I am and I'm still not lovable even after trying to meet those Demands from a person who is now Deserting me...

So I seek what I can in who I am and say... Damn, I'm good!

It's not about me after all... So many circumstances come to mind when I bended, compromised out of Love, and now have been left in the Dust... so many memories come back to flood my mind with the hurt of not being enough. And I wonder... was he ever happy? Did I ever make him happy? Is his misery, that has been blamed on me, really all about me?

Whether or not I have ADHD or on pain medications, sleep medications or not, am I really that important to anyone that I can make them miserable and they allow it? I just can't see that as a possibility. I know for me, as sad and hurt as I am, I'm going to be ok. Things will work out and I'll survive.

Maybe it's because years ago I made the Decision to never be a victim. To choose to be above the person that hurt me and to protect everyone I know of ever being hurt. And yet, I'm the Issac here... willing to be the sacrifice, but my Abraham isn't listening to God's voice. So I've been killed on the alter instead of being saved. I've become the one who is Dispensable...

I've been told that I may never know all the answers and that I need to accept that. That I will never know the why's to everything, so I should just stop looking... and yet, I find that to be extremely Deplorable in my head and now my heart... Isn't it our job to find the answers we seek to understand and grow? To look at a situation and see the result whether it be good or bad, so that we can grow and change? To Desire to be everything we can be and more?

Maybe that's the crux to it all... the Desire... the longing to be what we are to be and contentment is what we find along the way, but not to be used as a stopping point. Do most people who are content then stop growing? Stop becoming who they are to become because they have gotten there? And if they have gotten there, then why aren't they Dead and in heaven with God? Having attained all that they were put here to learn that is?

Maybe my issue is with contentment... And yet, I'm very content with my life at times, it's when I look and see how someone else would make it even more complete with being able to share it with them that I guess I lose my contentment, or do I? I mean what is contentment? or is that for another blog because it doesn't start with a "D"....