And the Walls of Jericho came crashing down....

Ever look at a couple and see the love that they share? The cherishing of each other that makes you sick because it seems so fake?

Ever look at a couple and see the hatred, the dislike of the other, the constant struggle to be civil to each other?

I wonder, as usual, what makes each of them the same and yet so different...

I watched my folks cherish each other, they made us sick as kids to watch them kiss each other when they saw each other... the love my Mom showed my Dad by the things she did for him that made him happy. The way my Dad would look at her and his appreciation of what she did for the family.

I also watched my folks fight, become disgusted with each other, forcing a smile for family and friends that would come over. The tense nights when I would hear them fighting downstairs after we kids went to bed.

What I remember most though, is that they always found the love again. The fights would end, they'd make up, treat each other with tenderness and begin the cherishing all over again. They didn't discuss things around us kids, but we saw how God worked in their lives and how it worked in our childhood relationships with family as well.

Am I special because I can remember that? Am I special because I want that? Or am I living in a childhood fantasy that things will and do work out when you love someone?

My brothers and I fought like Cowboys and Indians... I even got tied to a tree and left there for hours once... but we loved each other. We stuck up for each other... sure my brother could tease me, make fun of me, but he never let the other boys in the gang we hung around with treat me badly.

So I was tough, but I knew better than to attack a boy... defending myself was one thing, but to attack was another... Girls just never did that and got away with it. So I became the diplomat instead... always talking my way out of things or talking them into it I suppose if I want to be completely honest... but never out of malice, never to be better, but just to survive. To be one of the boys...

Has that left me broken and unable to respect a man? Has the hurt I've felt physically or emotionally preventing me from really trusting a man?

You see I don't get it... but maybe that's the problem... I love people, regardless of whether they are boys or girls, just the fact that they are people means that they are deserving of respect and love. Honoring them as individuals... so we don't see everything eye to eye... isn't that what acceptance is? Isn't that what respecting another person is?

Ok, so sometimes I come across as all knowing, that I'm right all the time... but my heart and my ears are open to suggestions, open to logic, open to communication. So we don't always agree, can't we agree to disagree and then move on? You know get past the differences and love again?

Maybe growing up in a family that fought a lot, was a bad thing. But we also made up and loved each other through it... so what's so wrong about that?

Opinions... isn't it assumed that when you open your mouth that it's your opinion? Why then do you need to make sure that others know it's your opinion? Why force a definition that by nature is assumed? Or is it more about the Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus that I just can't seem to grasp?

How hard is it to see the wall, want to bring the wall down, wait on God for the answers on how the wall will fall down, and then do what needs to be done to make the wall fall down without ever having to touch it?

Oh and why are there walls to begin with?

My brothers pointed out to me that I always give warnings... simple things from that time of the month, so be nicer to me for a while, to if you keep doing this, there will be the consequences... I never really knew what boundaries were until I realized that I'm pretty verbal about them and yes, I give warnings as to where they start and end. Why someone would want to continue to cross those boundaries just doesn't make sense to me.

Maybe that's the problem... I'm being too logical about all of this. Trying to figure it out to fix it so there is nothing left to argue about. To look and find the compromise so there is no need to be stubborn anymore. To share with someone who I am and to have them, desire them, to share who they are with me.

Why is it so hard to say "I'm sorry", to humble oneself for the great good of the relationship? And why is it that in my case, it was all one sided... Maybe it's because I was the only one that put value in the relationship and in the heart of the one I love....

But I guess, here I am, and it's all about me again... Maybe it's time I take a look at the walls, ask God if this is the right fortress that he wants me to break apart, or if I need to just move on to a fortress where the gate is already opened for me?