I know you are out there....

You know, living with a kids brain in an adult body sure sucks sometimes. I want to just be carefree and happy, no worries, but then there's the reality of it all that comes crashing down on my fantasy... why ?

This world has been given over to our selfish desires. We've chosen to take God out of our schools, our courts and now our government. We are a lawless society hell bent on creating our own rules that suit our needs and demands. They are not focused on the needs of others, although that is the facade of it all. They are focused on being the ones who get credit for doing something that really doesn't help anyone but those who chose not to help themselves. or does it?

My husband is like them. It's all a facade with nothing behind it. And when you try to look beyond it, there isn't anything there to begin with. He started walking away just months after the wedding. He was done with his hunt, he'd caught his prey, and now it was time to kill it. And it was a slow torturous death of a marriage.

Control was at the center of it, not God. So how God do I put together the pieces of my life in order to find the one that you have for me? Will I be good enough for them? Will I be able to keep myself from turning yet another prince into a frog?

Why is my need to please so much greater than my desire for myself and it's esteem?

And yet I do not feel bad at the moment that he has chosen this route. I feel relieved that I'm free from the bondage of his controlling and critical nature. So why do I still think of him, want to talk to him, need him to help me still when I know that he's done with me? That I'm to be thrown out with the bath water?

Why did he not see what God has done in me? Or maybe he has... Maybe he really can't be the Godly man that I need him to be with me? It makes sense since he's not acting honorable at the moment at all... but oh well.

Now it's time for me to be me. All of me.. the fun, loving, kind, gentle side and the wild side, crazy, goofy, and fearless me.

I just hope that when God catches me, that I'll be ready to land....

Hope for Someday...

Someday maybe you 'll get me. A twinkle, a kiss, a hug, a moment in time - not rushed - not for just a second...

A kind word - Wow, you look great. A kind deed - no complaints - not about what is not, but what is - to notice all, not just the sum of all that should be but what is instead.

A warm breeze that blows from your heart to mine. A thought that captures you and brings you to your knees - a wonderment of just who I am, not of what you wish I was.

The truth in love, the butterflies that dance in your heart. The flutter of that unknown. Waiting, wanting, just to see, to hold, to cherish.

The little moments remembered not pushed aside to be forgotten, to take the time to see just me, and my heart.

To really say I'm sorry, to begin again. To reach inside and find what you are so afraid of and to let it go - to be held, just to be held...

In your arms I want to feel safe. To be able not to have to hide my tears or pain, but to be able to heal in your arms.

But instead I flee... I calm the fear and remain silent. I go behind my walls to keep from disappearing all together.

I can't get past the hurt because you don't want to see it or realize just how important I am to you.

Distance makes you desire me and yet when I return, I am punished for leaving.

No love is given, no kindness is shown when I open my arms and heart to you, you push me away with things to do, things not done, disappointment and unkind words are all you give me.

The turn of your shoulder, you lay beside me, and yet I am so alone.

It's your terms or non at all. Yet all I need is to be cherished, shown some adoration not for what I am not, but for who I am.

Maybe that's not enough for you. Maybe it's all together too much!

I live in my pain every day - waiting for you to rescue me - to make me laugh, to hold me close, to tell me that everything's is going to be ok.

Yet what I get are the trees - between us. No sunshine, but darkness is all I feel. I want to get to the clearing, to see the grass shine in the day light, but that forest you live in grows farther away from me.

To love someone is to see what is important to them and make it important to you. To share those little things because it makes them smile.

To love someone you protect them from unkindness, hurts and danger.

To Cherish someone,is to put them before yourself, to get set them apart like a rose in a garden of daisies and to make sure that they know they are the rose not just another daisy.

To love someone you have to divide yourself to give a piece of yourself away to them. To become part of them - always.

So what does this mean? Make the little things into big things - to take a shattered heart and make it whole again. To find the moments in life that matter and make them grand. To seek to find - to keep everyday that moment of time when it all started and keep it growing.

Was it me who sought you? Was it me who felt it first? Was it me who let that glow go?

And the Walls of Jericho came crashing down....

Ever look at a couple and see the love that they share? The cherishing of each other that makes you sick because it seems so fake?

Ever look at a couple and see the hatred, the dislike of the other, the constant struggle to be civil to each other?

I wonder, as usual, what makes each of them the same and yet so different...

I watched my folks cherish each other, they made us sick as kids to watch them kiss each other when they saw each other... the love my Mom showed my Dad by the things she did for him that made him happy. The way my Dad would look at her and his appreciation of what she did for the family.

I also watched my folks fight, become disgusted with each other, forcing a smile for family and friends that would come over. The tense nights when I would hear them fighting downstairs after we kids went to bed.

What I remember most though, is that they always found the love again. The fights would end, they'd make up, treat each other with tenderness and begin the cherishing all over again. They didn't discuss things around us kids, but we saw how God worked in their lives and how it worked in our childhood relationships with family as well.

Am I special because I can remember that? Am I special because I want that? Or am I living in a childhood fantasy that things will and do work out when you love someone?

My brothers and I fought like Cowboys and Indians... I even got tied to a tree and left there for hours once... but we loved each other. We stuck up for each other... sure my brother could tease me, make fun of me, but he never let the other boys in the gang we hung around with treat me badly.

So I was tough, but I knew better than to attack a boy... defending myself was one thing, but to attack was another... Girls just never did that and got away with it. So I became the diplomat instead... always talking my way out of things or talking them into it I suppose if I want to be completely honest... but never out of malice, never to be better, but just to survive. To be one of the boys...

Has that left me broken and unable to respect a man? Has the hurt I've felt physically or emotionally preventing me from really trusting a man?

You see I don't get it... but maybe that's the problem... I love people, regardless of whether they are boys or girls, just the fact that they are people means that they are deserving of respect and love. Honoring them as individuals... so we don't see everything eye to eye... isn't that what acceptance is? Isn't that what respecting another person is?

Ok, so sometimes I come across as all knowing, that I'm right all the time... but my heart and my ears are open to suggestions, open to logic, open to communication. So we don't always agree, can't we agree to disagree and then move on? You know get past the differences and love again?

Maybe growing up in a family that fought a lot, was a bad thing. But we also made up and loved each other through it... so what's so wrong about that?

Opinions... isn't it assumed that when you open your mouth that it's your opinion? Why then do you need to make sure that others know it's your opinion? Why force a definition that by nature is assumed? Or is it more about the Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus that I just can't seem to grasp?

How hard is it to see the wall, want to bring the wall down, wait on God for the answers on how the wall will fall down, and then do what needs to be done to make the wall fall down without ever having to touch it?

Oh and why are there walls to begin with?

My brothers pointed out to me that I always give warnings... simple things from that time of the month, so be nicer to me for a while, to if you keep doing this, there will be the consequences... I never really knew what boundaries were until I realized that I'm pretty verbal about them and yes, I give warnings as to where they start and end. Why someone would want to continue to cross those boundaries just doesn't make sense to me.

Maybe that's the problem... I'm being too logical about all of this. Trying to figure it out to fix it so there is nothing left to argue about. To look and find the compromise so there is no need to be stubborn anymore. To share with someone who I am and to have them, desire them, to share who they are with me.

Why is it so hard to say "I'm sorry", to humble oneself for the great good of the relationship? And why is it that in my case, it was all one sided... Maybe it's because I was the only one that put value in the relationship and in the heart of the one I love....

But I guess, here I am, and it's all about me again... Maybe it's time I take a look at the walls, ask God if this is the right fortress that he wants me to break apart, or if I need to just move on to a fortress where the gate is already opened for me?

D is for....

It used to be for my Dear husband... His first name, how I looked at him as my Darling...

But now it's been associated with Distance, Don't talk to me, Don't in many cases really, Divorce and now Dumb husband....

He's not a bad guy, just not the man that wants to meet my needs in my life and is unwilling to Determine what his needs are that I can attain. You may ask what is it that I need then? I've been asking that now for years as I watched the Demise, yes another D word, of my marriage. And yet, my journals over the years clearly spell out what my needs were, are and will be. Yet when I've attempted to share those things with him, I'm the one living in a fantasy life, not living in reality, and that he'll never be the man that I want him to be... Hmmm... Sharing my hopes and Dreams, my Daily life experiences, how much I love him, recalling the moments that we've had, and the moments that I'm looking forward to with him are all just a fantasy I suppose...

For years I've taken the blame or the Disposition of accepting the blame for his rants or criticism. For years now I've been working on myself and just who I am, all the while thinking that I wasn't good enough or that I was the broken one in the relationship so therefore needing fixing. I looked at how I could be better, more loving, more quite, a better house keeper, a better mate, a better what ever... for him that is... never really knowing what it was that I did or didn't do and yet continuing to try...

Sound familiar with anyone out there? Trying to be what the other person wants so that you will feel the love that you crave? Needing acceptance from the one that says they love you, but is not happy with you over a multitude of things? Is bitterness on his part a factor in all of this? I wonder... where is forgiveness, patience, honor, encouragement, and love in any of this? Where is God? The one that is supposed to be the center of our marriage, the center of our lives, the center of the Love that we signed up for on the altar that day...

So I sit back and gather the facts that have been Drummed in to me... What I don't do, what I didn't do, what I should and shouldn't do or say... think or feel... and yet here I am and I'm still not lovable even after trying to meet those Demands from a person who is now Deserting me...

So I seek what I can in who I am and say... Damn, I'm good!

It's not about me after all... So many circumstances come to mind when I bended, compromised out of Love, and now have been left in the Dust... so many memories come back to flood my mind with the hurt of not being enough. And I wonder... was he ever happy? Did I ever make him happy? Is his misery, that has been blamed on me, really all about me?

Whether or not I have ADHD or on pain medications, sleep medications or not, am I really that important to anyone that I can make them miserable and they allow it? I just can't see that as a possibility. I know for me, as sad and hurt as I am, I'm going to be ok. Things will work out and I'll survive.

Maybe it's because years ago I made the Decision to never be a victim. To choose to be above the person that hurt me and to protect everyone I know of ever being hurt. And yet, I'm the Issac here... willing to be the sacrifice, but my Abraham isn't listening to God's voice. So I've been killed on the alter instead of being saved. I've become the one who is Dispensable...

I've been told that I may never know all the answers and that I need to accept that. That I will never know the why's to everything, so I should just stop looking... and yet, I find that to be extremely Deplorable in my head and now my heart... Isn't it our job to find the answers we seek to understand and grow? To look at a situation and see the result whether it be good or bad, so that we can grow and change? To Desire to be everything we can be and more?

Maybe that's the crux to it all... the Desire... the longing to be what we are to be and contentment is what we find along the way, but not to be used as a stopping point. Do most people who are content then stop growing? Stop becoming who they are to become because they have gotten there? And if they have gotten there, then why aren't they Dead and in heaven with God? Having attained all that they were put here to learn that is?

Maybe my issue is with contentment... And yet, I'm very content with my life at times, it's when I look and see how someone else would make it even more complete with being able to share it with them that I guess I lose my contentment, or do I? I mean what is contentment? or is that for another blog because it doesn't start with a "D"....