Michael Jackson Dianosed with ASD ???????

Just an idea, not for real. I'm no doctor and of course it would mean a lot if he had been diagnosed, for those of us that have been.

What a better way to gain attention to the fact that not everybody fits into the "box"? Well, at least not a gold box, as in MJ's case.

What if.... Michael Jackson had gotten diagnosed with ASD? Would it then be more acceptable for others to be diagnosed and not labeled as diseased? Yes, I know it's a neurobiological disorder, but what order are we actually dis-ing?

It was brought to my attention this week that it might just be called a dis-order because we create disorder within societies natural order of things. But what makes them right, and us wrong or let's be politically correct and say, how come it's all our fault they don't fit into our "box"?

So let's take an outside look at MJ's personal behavior and see where it might have fit into the diagnosis of ASD.

1. He had an unrealistic view of himself, feeling a drive to change himself enough to fit what others expected of him, to the extent of surgery.
2. Never satisfied with what he had accomplished, always looking for the next big thing.
3. Very outgoing in public, very introverted when not the star or center of attention.
4. Lived beyond his physical years as far as insight into the humanistic view of the world.
5. Had enough love to those that didn't feel like they fit in.
6. Loved kids, was a kid himself, maybe a perpetual 3 year old in his own right?
7. Trusted the wrong people.
8. Unable to sleep.
9. Often melancholy and yet perceived to be outgoing.
10. Depressed at times because he didn't feel he was living up to his potential.
11. Mis-understood by those that never really knew him.
12. Used drugs to mask pain, either physical or emotional.



Disclaimer - I do not know Michael Jackson or any of his current caregivers regarding his estate. This writing is supposition only in the "what if" category of life. Nothing written here is said to be true, only that it is the current "what if" of the author's mind. Statements here do not represent any official or unofficial release of medical or personal records on the behalf of Michael Jackson or his estate. Statements made in this blog are only out of the imagination of the author and do not represent any known facts about the subject.

I want to go home, God am I done yet?

As a Christian that believes in heaven, I want to go there right now and that's ok. I'm not suicidal, just happy to know that I have a Savior that will be my advocate there at the end. But I'm sure that I have a place already, because the Bible tells me so and I believe. And why not? It makes sense of the nonsense in this world...

So when do I get to go home? What is so special about me that I need to stay? I ask this of God and many other things each and everyday. And he gives me the mercy and the grace to make it through another day. But I wonder at all the pain I've had to endure... and yet my Savior endured more...

Being transparent now-a-days is tougher than you'd think. I get taken advantage of, lied to, abused, and beaten down each and everyday it seems by this world we live in. And I wonder why me? If I am so smart, then why me? And what does being smart have to do with being good?

I look back at my life, at where I started and where I've been. The memories I wonder now if they were ever true? I've been told by a few people lately, that I don't live in reality... well just what do I live in then?

When I was molested at the age of 11, my Mom told me that it never happened and I got punished for lying... maybe that's when it started... or when I was raped at the age of 16 and once again my Mom didn't believe me. I didn't tell her directly this time, I told my Aunt whom I love dearly simply because she accepts me for me. My Mom was really mad at me for that for years as it turned out. Not telling her that is, but my Aunt. She couldn't understand why I didn't tell her.

It wasn't until I was 36, she was giving me back my High School things that I had stored there. As I was going through my old school chum photos, one in particular sprang up to the top quite quickly. I turned it over... on the back was written, Dear Mel, Sorry for what I did, hope you have a good life. Richard. It was his High School Prom picture.

I took a deep breath and asked my Mom in a gentle voice if she remembered this guy. She took one look and rolled her eyes at me as if to say "There she goes again with the rape story"... but I asked her to read what was written on the back. I watched her reaction turn from disgust to horror and then the brick wall that had been between us all those years crumbled. I finally had my Mom, the one I needed all those years when we never got along. She knew then that I had not lied, and I was there to hold her as it all sunk in.

When I was 35 I had major surgery to repair a damaged nerve in my neck. I was going to need someone to take care of me for at least 10 days after I got out of the hospital. The first person is your Mom... but I was so afraid she wouldn't want to come or make up some excuse not to be able to, that I couldn't ask her. I was so afraid of her rejection of me even then. But my family stepped in and she was there for me. It was hard for us at first... she sorta needed someone to watch out for her health as well, so we managed together. The best thing I got to share with her was to tell her that she was not a bad Mom. And that I was not a bad kid because of her. I just didn't fit into the box everybody seems to want to put me in all the time. When she left at the end of that visit, I missed my Mommy for the first time in years.

When I got to hold her after giving her the picture to read, it all sunk in... It wasn't about me at this point anymore, it was about my Mom.

Do you think God knew that I'd be able to handle all of that just to save my Mom? Was that one of the many purposes I have here still? To help others find the way?

The way you ask, is to forgiveness. First is to let God forgive you, then allow yourself to forgive you and for you to forgive others. That's the hardest part and I still struggle with that today. I wonder at how I'm going to get through things and I doubt God. Not a good thing to do by the way, because as much you might hate it, He's the one in control of your life.

Go ahead laugh... but where is your life headed if he's not in control? If you go about choosing what is real to you or for others, do you think years later you'll get the chance like my Mom and I did? That was a miracle friends, pure and simple. A God planned miracle that was begun years ago. And when my Mom was strong enough, he allowed her to heal from that pain she had been carrying all her life. I know that pain, because I carried it too.

After I was saved, it took me 3 years to stop reacting to my Mom and it took her another 3 years to notice that I stopped reacting and was calmer instead. The last years of her life I wasn't around because I was on my own journey at the time. It wasn't long after I got married that she passed away. At least she got to see the last of us kids married. I was the hold out... I was 39 by the time I thought God had brought me my soul mate. I was wrong of course but didn't have the filter in place to see through a charmer and control freak.

God has a way of closing one door and opening another. For some reason I replaced the bad relationship with my Mom for a bad relationship with my new husband. So I wonder what I learned in all of it to be honest some times... but I see now that once again, because of the way God has made me, I withstood another test and growth period in my life. I wish it wasn't so painful again or costly financially, but hey, I know it could have been worse. I don't think at this point that I was there for his good, maybe mine then.

Relationship - something that I am to learn this time around before I go home.

Filters - something I'm lacking in, and yet, some how God made me this way... so what for?

So I'm good with animals and kids...oh and computers darn it. But I'm no genius... I think I can write, but well you have to be the judge of that. I try to use humor to lighten things up, but even then it's hard sometimes, even for me. So what is my passion? What is my desire?

I wait upon God for my path to unveil before me. And as miracles never cease, it does just in time. So I struggle with contentment while I wait, I suppose, just like everyone else. But how do we know, I mean for sure, it's the right path? I need my filters please!

I think because I was abused as a child and then again as a teen, my reality is a bit askew and my filters were messed with majorly. I don't want to think the worst, but it seems to happen. I always go in with the hope it will all work out, but since I was twelve, I just know some things are gonna turn out the way it's been shown to me. I don't know the time, but I know it will happen. I've caught myself at times, including a time when I pulled my cousin into the mix and told him not to move as I told him with my eyes closed exactly what was going to happen seconds before it did and that it was very important that I hold onto him while it happens so that the bad thing won't happen. That time I was given the ability to change the way I had seen it prior, because I saw the ending before it happened and was able to avoid it.

You might say wow, or that's just a story. And you could be right, but why would I lie about that? It doesn't make me important, it was just one of many instances in my troubled life where I think God gave me a vision of hope or a path to follow. Sometimes it happens so that I'm prepared for what will happen. It doesn't always make it easier, but it helps I suppose. It sure got my cousins attention though... we had a new understanding of each other after that.

Garbage in, garbage out theory... purge it all from yourself and then be done with it... wouldn't that be great if it was so neat and tidy like my Mom seemed to think about it all? I mean if you never tell anyone, did it really happen? And if you aren't believed, did it really happen? What if you didn't come across a picture later on in life as I did to prove that you weren't crazy all those years after all? What if you didn't have a cousin who was there for you? Who believes you?

I know God does. I know God loves me because of the way I am, not the way I am not. I know God will never forsake me or leave me, because like the birds of the field, he will care for me as well. And he has...

You wonder I bet at how people can believe in a God who allows bad things to happen to good people. If he didn't who would share his story? Who would profess his miracles even today? The Bible is full of miracles and signs and prophecy. What makes us think that just because Jesus is gone, that all the miracles ceased happening? We need to look for them and unfortunately, they usually follow pain, hurt, loss and desperation. But they are there... and so is Hope.

So what to do now... I'm hurt, I'm lost, and I'm alone. Oh and broke, and I mean totally... living off the charity of others is pretty humbling, but I didn't realize I needed to be poor like this. And my life isn't all that bad, or as bad as it could be or is for other people. But that doesn't make it any easier for me right now.

Why is it that it is so hard for me to ask for help? Am I that afraid of rejection? of not being worthy enough? or do I feel like what his lawyer said to me in court, "that I'm just a sponge off of society"... pretty hard for me to understand when I've had a job since I was 11 and have not gone longer than 3 months without a job before and that was because I was vacationing. So how does someone who's never been around me for more than 3 days in a row, wait, we spent 5 days together in a row twice in 6 years of marriage, know me enough to judge me? And then to put that out there in court for it to be of public record forever? What gives him the right to do that to me? And why does it still bother me when I know it is not true... the many lies that either were ignored or found out about too late. Why ask then if it's just going to be a lie anyway? what a tough way to think... a bit askew maybe?

I'm feeling a bit jaded I suppose, although I'm trying not to at the same time. It's me working through it all I suppose as well. This bitterness has to end! The control it has over my emotions is racking me, for sure!

So I pray, I write, I purge what is on the inside, out. God, am I done yet? When do I get to come home?

I know you are out there....

You know, living with a kids brain in an adult body sure sucks sometimes. I want to just be carefree and happy, no worries, but then there's the reality of it all that comes crashing down on my fantasy... why ?

This world has been given over to our selfish desires. We've chosen to take God out of our schools, our courts and now our government. We are a lawless society hell bent on creating our own rules that suit our needs and demands. They are not focused on the needs of others, although that is the facade of it all. They are focused on being the ones who get credit for doing something that really doesn't help anyone but those who chose not to help themselves. or does it?

My husband is like them. It's all a facade with nothing behind it. And when you try to look beyond it, there isn't anything there to begin with. He started walking away just months after the wedding. He was done with his hunt, he'd caught his prey, and now it was time to kill it. And it was a slow torturous death of a marriage.

Control was at the center of it, not God. So how God do I put together the pieces of my life in order to find the one that you have for me? Will I be good enough for them? Will I be able to keep myself from turning yet another prince into a frog?

Why is my need to please so much greater than my desire for myself and it's esteem?

And yet I do not feel bad at the moment that he has chosen this route. I feel relieved that I'm free from the bondage of his controlling and critical nature. So why do I still think of him, want to talk to him, need him to help me still when I know that he's done with me? That I'm to be thrown out with the bath water?

Why did he not see what God has done in me? Or maybe he has... Maybe he really can't be the Godly man that I need him to be with me? It makes sense since he's not acting honorable at the moment at all... but oh well.

Now it's time for me to be me. All of me.. the fun, loving, kind, gentle side and the wild side, crazy, goofy, and fearless me.

I just hope that when God catches me, that I'll be ready to land....

Hope for Someday...

Someday maybe you 'll get me. A twinkle, a kiss, a hug, a moment in time - not rushed - not for just a second...

A kind word - Wow, you look great. A kind deed - no complaints - not about what is not, but what is - to notice all, not just the sum of all that should be but what is instead.

A warm breeze that blows from your heart to mine. A thought that captures you and brings you to your knees - a wonderment of just who I am, not of what you wish I was.

The truth in love, the butterflies that dance in your heart. The flutter of that unknown. Waiting, wanting, just to see, to hold, to cherish.

The little moments remembered not pushed aside to be forgotten, to take the time to see just me, and my heart.

To really say I'm sorry, to begin again. To reach inside and find what you are so afraid of and to let it go - to be held, just to be held...

In your arms I want to feel safe. To be able not to have to hide my tears or pain, but to be able to heal in your arms.

But instead I flee... I calm the fear and remain silent. I go behind my walls to keep from disappearing all together.

I can't get past the hurt because you don't want to see it or realize just how important I am to you.

Distance makes you desire me and yet when I return, I am punished for leaving.

No love is given, no kindness is shown when I open my arms and heart to you, you push me away with things to do, things not done, disappointment and unkind words are all you give me.

The turn of your shoulder, you lay beside me, and yet I am so alone.

It's your terms or non at all. Yet all I need is to be cherished, shown some adoration not for what I am not, but for who I am.

Maybe that's not enough for you. Maybe it's all together too much!

I live in my pain every day - waiting for you to rescue me - to make me laugh, to hold me close, to tell me that everything's is going to be ok.

Yet what I get are the trees - between us. No sunshine, but darkness is all I feel. I want to get to the clearing, to see the grass shine in the day light, but that forest you live in grows farther away from me.

To love someone is to see what is important to them and make it important to you. To share those little things because it makes them smile.

To love someone you protect them from unkindness, hurts and danger.

To Cherish someone,is to put them before yourself, to get set them apart like a rose in a garden of daisies and to make sure that they know they are the rose not just another daisy.

To love someone you have to divide yourself to give a piece of yourself away to them. To become part of them - always.

So what does this mean? Make the little things into big things - to take a shattered heart and make it whole again. To find the moments in life that matter and make them grand. To seek to find - to keep everyday that moment of time when it all started and keep it growing.

Was it me who sought you? Was it me who felt it first? Was it me who let that glow go?

And the Walls of Jericho came crashing down....

Ever look at a couple and see the love that they share? The cherishing of each other that makes you sick because it seems so fake?

Ever look at a couple and see the hatred, the dislike of the other, the constant struggle to be civil to each other?

I wonder, as usual, what makes each of them the same and yet so different...

I watched my folks cherish each other, they made us sick as kids to watch them kiss each other when they saw each other... the love my Mom showed my Dad by the things she did for him that made him happy. The way my Dad would look at her and his appreciation of what she did for the family.

I also watched my folks fight, become disgusted with each other, forcing a smile for family and friends that would come over. The tense nights when I would hear them fighting downstairs after we kids went to bed.

What I remember most though, is that they always found the love again. The fights would end, they'd make up, treat each other with tenderness and begin the cherishing all over again. They didn't discuss things around us kids, but we saw how God worked in their lives and how it worked in our childhood relationships with family as well.

Am I special because I can remember that? Am I special because I want that? Or am I living in a childhood fantasy that things will and do work out when you love someone?

My brothers and I fought like Cowboys and Indians... I even got tied to a tree and left there for hours once... but we loved each other. We stuck up for each other... sure my brother could tease me, make fun of me, but he never let the other boys in the gang we hung around with treat me badly.

So I was tough, but I knew better than to attack a boy... defending myself was one thing, but to attack was another... Girls just never did that and got away with it. So I became the diplomat instead... always talking my way out of things or talking them into it I suppose if I want to be completely honest... but never out of malice, never to be better, but just to survive. To be one of the boys...

Has that left me broken and unable to respect a man? Has the hurt I've felt physically or emotionally preventing me from really trusting a man?

You see I don't get it... but maybe that's the problem... I love people, regardless of whether they are boys or girls, just the fact that they are people means that they are deserving of respect and love. Honoring them as individuals... so we don't see everything eye to eye... isn't that what acceptance is? Isn't that what respecting another person is?

Ok, so sometimes I come across as all knowing, that I'm right all the time... but my heart and my ears are open to suggestions, open to logic, open to communication. So we don't always agree, can't we agree to disagree and then move on? You know get past the differences and love again?

Maybe growing up in a family that fought a lot, was a bad thing. But we also made up and loved each other through it... so what's so wrong about that?

Opinions... isn't it assumed that when you open your mouth that it's your opinion? Why then do you need to make sure that others know it's your opinion? Why force a definition that by nature is assumed? Or is it more about the Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus that I just can't seem to grasp?

How hard is it to see the wall, want to bring the wall down, wait on God for the answers on how the wall will fall down, and then do what needs to be done to make the wall fall down without ever having to touch it?

Oh and why are there walls to begin with?

My brothers pointed out to me that I always give warnings... simple things from that time of the month, so be nicer to me for a while, to if you keep doing this, there will be the consequences... I never really knew what boundaries were until I realized that I'm pretty verbal about them and yes, I give warnings as to where they start and end. Why someone would want to continue to cross those boundaries just doesn't make sense to me.

Maybe that's the problem... I'm being too logical about all of this. Trying to figure it out to fix it so there is nothing left to argue about. To look and find the compromise so there is no need to be stubborn anymore. To share with someone who I am and to have them, desire them, to share who they are with me.

Why is it so hard to say "I'm sorry", to humble oneself for the great good of the relationship? And why is it that in my case, it was all one sided... Maybe it's because I was the only one that put value in the relationship and in the heart of the one I love....

But I guess, here I am, and it's all about me again... Maybe it's time I take a look at the walls, ask God if this is the right fortress that he wants me to break apart, or if I need to just move on to a fortress where the gate is already opened for me?

D is for....

It used to be for my Dear husband... His first name, how I looked at him as my Darling...

But now it's been associated with Distance, Don't talk to me, Don't in many cases really, Divorce and now Dumb husband....

He's not a bad guy, just not the man that wants to meet my needs in my life and is unwilling to Determine what his needs are that I can attain. You may ask what is it that I need then? I've been asking that now for years as I watched the Demise, yes another D word, of my marriage. And yet, my journals over the years clearly spell out what my needs were, are and will be. Yet when I've attempted to share those things with him, I'm the one living in a fantasy life, not living in reality, and that he'll never be the man that I want him to be... Hmmm... Sharing my hopes and Dreams, my Daily life experiences, how much I love him, recalling the moments that we've had, and the moments that I'm looking forward to with him are all just a fantasy I suppose...

For years I've taken the blame or the Disposition of accepting the blame for his rants or criticism. For years now I've been working on myself and just who I am, all the while thinking that I wasn't good enough or that I was the broken one in the relationship so therefore needing fixing. I looked at how I could be better, more loving, more quite, a better house keeper, a better mate, a better what ever... for him that is... never really knowing what it was that I did or didn't do and yet continuing to try...

Sound familiar with anyone out there? Trying to be what the other person wants so that you will feel the love that you crave? Needing acceptance from the one that says they love you, but is not happy with you over a multitude of things? Is bitterness on his part a factor in all of this? I wonder... where is forgiveness, patience, honor, encouragement, and love in any of this? Where is God? The one that is supposed to be the center of our marriage, the center of our lives, the center of the Love that we signed up for on the altar that day...

So I sit back and gather the facts that have been Drummed in to me... What I don't do, what I didn't do, what I should and shouldn't do or say... think or feel... and yet here I am and I'm still not lovable even after trying to meet those Demands from a person who is now Deserting me...

So I seek what I can in who I am and say... Damn, I'm good!

It's not about me after all... So many circumstances come to mind when I bended, compromised out of Love, and now have been left in the Dust... so many memories come back to flood my mind with the hurt of not being enough. And I wonder... was he ever happy? Did I ever make him happy? Is his misery, that has been blamed on me, really all about me?

Whether or not I have ADHD or on pain medications, sleep medications or not, am I really that important to anyone that I can make them miserable and they allow it? I just can't see that as a possibility. I know for me, as sad and hurt as I am, I'm going to be ok. Things will work out and I'll survive.

Maybe it's because years ago I made the Decision to never be a victim. To choose to be above the person that hurt me and to protect everyone I know of ever being hurt. And yet, I'm the Issac here... willing to be the sacrifice, but my Abraham isn't listening to God's voice. So I've been killed on the alter instead of being saved. I've become the one who is Dispensable...

I've been told that I may never know all the answers and that I need to accept that. That I will never know the why's to everything, so I should just stop looking... and yet, I find that to be extremely Deplorable in my head and now my heart... Isn't it our job to find the answers we seek to understand and grow? To look at a situation and see the result whether it be good or bad, so that we can grow and change? To Desire to be everything we can be and more?

Maybe that's the crux to it all... the Desire... the longing to be what we are to be and contentment is what we find along the way, but not to be used as a stopping point. Do most people who are content then stop growing? Stop becoming who they are to become because they have gotten there? And if they have gotten there, then why aren't they Dead and in heaven with God? Having attained all that they were put here to learn that is?

Maybe my issue is with contentment... And yet, I'm very content with my life at times, it's when I look and see how someone else would make it even more complete with being able to share it with them that I guess I lose my contentment, or do I? I mean what is contentment? or is that for another blog because it doesn't start with a "D"....

ADHD - Can you relate?

Inside - out seems to be a popular term for ADHD'rs who want the world to know that we are who we are and in most cases, we are extremely sorry for it and how it affects those around us.

These books may help in understanding ADHD as well:

Is It you, me or ADHD?
You mean I'm not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy? - Kate Kelly and Peggy Ramundo
Honey, Are you Listening? - Dr. Rick Fowler & Jerilyn Fowler
Driven to Distraction - Dr. Hallowell

There are a few more, but thought these would get you started. There is tons of info on ADHD now more than before. I think a lot of us that were undiagnosed for years are finally looking for answers as to why we have had such a struggle in life. The loss of jobs, the loss of friendships, the inability to keep our home, finances and our lives in line with what is considered to be "Normal" has finally put a toll on our relationships, financial status or self esteem.

It's truly amazing at how many kids in my age bracket that went undiagnosed or mis-diagnosed for years. It's only after those around us finally give up on us, or something tramatic takes place that makes us take a long hard look at why we can't seem to fit in.

I'm fortunate than most that I had the parents I had, not to mention my siblings and family that have loved me through the worst of times. They are the ones that have kept me from going over the edge and have loved me through it all. Now as I learn more and grow with my disorder, they are the ones that appreciate me the most as well. They see the changes in me and in some cases are astonished at how well I cope with things now.

Part of that is that I just don't give a damn about what others think about me anymore. Well, not as much as I used to. I have this sense about me that I'm ok and that it's ok if people don't like me. But since adopting that persona, more people seem to be drawn to me. Funny how that works. I also am not afraid to accept my limitations and ask for help instead of steam rolling people. I think that has gone a lot further than I ever thought possible. I never realized how pushy I was or demanding. UGH... Makes me cringe to think back at how I appeared to others when I was in my work mode!

I've also started making my own rules about things that I can control. Especially when it comes to projects. Instead of having a ton of them going on all at once, I try and limit myself to only 3. And when I finish one, then I get to start another one. This keeps me interested in all three, but not over whelmed to where I just give up completely. There are many life skills that I've learned and have used for years that I'm bringing back to the forefront of my life. Things that worked for me when I was younger, but just set aside thinking I was "ok" and didn't need them anymore. Talk about a false sense of security. It was hard for me to admit that I need structure in my life, although I despise it immensely.

I also went back to my child hood to find out what my currency was. That is to say, what makes me feel appreciated enough so that I do finish things. What is my reward system for following through. That is a huge thing for most ADHD'rs. Once you find the currency for motivation, then you've hit the nail on the head. For me it was being able to have friends over or go out to play. My room had to be clean turned into the house being picked up. Having my chores done before I was allowed to go out to the movies or spend time with a book. Things like that have worked for me as well as buying stuff. Since I'm not working, the guilt from spending money we don't really have has been heavy on my heart. So I'm back into making things with all the stuff I already have. And believe me, I have tons of stuff. I've also decided to start giving things away or selling them if I haven't used them in the past 5 years. What's the point to having stuff when you die anyway? More crap for your family to sort out, like what happened when my Mom passed away.

So I get to be a blessing to others by giving them a piece of me. It sounds pretty selfish in a way, but all in all, it's being used by someone who really needs it. That's the way I look at it at least. I get to smile inside when I see something I've given away being used too, but I no longer have to point out that I gave it to them and then make it about me, instead of my heart for God. This was a huge thing for me as I never realized I did that! Talk about a huge feeling of OMG!

There are also many ways in which we tend to look at ourselves that cause us to not place a value on ourselves as we should. It's as if we value others more than ourselves simply because they are "normal" and we aren't. Even if we haven't been diagnosed, there is this feeling that we are different that plagues us. It's what makes us try so hard, push so hard, and fail so hard.

The problem is compounded by the fact that we've heard all our lives that we just need to try harder, to just do it the right way, to not over do it, that we are lazy, selfish or worse. Because inside we are trying very very hard to be just like everybody else. But we can't see how they do it simply because our brains are hard wired differently.

And unfortunately, our gifts usually lay outside of the box and so go unnoticed by most people and mostly by ourselves. I've asked myself this question so often in my life.... Why can I do somethings really easy, the things that come hard to most, and yet simply miss the point on the simplest things according to what everybody else gets so easily?

Take for example being on time. I've always been early. You know why? Because I hate being late because I remember how it affects other people. So I've always planned in an extra 30 mins into my time frame. However, most ADHD'rs don't care or don't take the time to notice how their being late affects other people or their jobs.

Another example would be my perfectionist "Find Waldo" ability. It centers around the fact that because I'm always sifting through loads of chaos in my head and coming out the other end, I have the ability to sift through the many distract-able things and focus on what I'm looking for. Hence the strips on the hat... being able to hyper focus at will allows me to find waldo quickly.

Or the memory game... It's not that I remember all the items, but that I remember what the picture looked like and can replay it in my head to find all the items. I've been doing that since school when I'd draw shapes and put my notes into them. When it came to tests, all I had to do was remember what was in the shapes and I'd ace the test. It wasn't the actual statistics that I remembered, it was the way I remembered them.

Things like that have helped me, while other things have continued to be a hindrance. While my perfectionism works great with finding waldo, it's horrible when it comes to getting things done. This of course is the antithesis of my procrastination. I will put off what needs to get done until either I have the time or am running out of time to do it right the first time. Simply because doing it half way isn't acceptable to me. Pretty tough on myself, and harder on others that have to deal with my procrastination. That or the opposite rings true... I'm so focused on getting it done on time that I push others to meet my time schedule which of course never ends well when it comes to making friends. This of course I've tempered with, it will get done when it gets done... or I plan ahead a week so that I don't get rushed at the last minute. I also ask for a lot of help now instead of internalizing my frustrations until I blow up.

I've realized it's much better to be a tea kettle that slowly lets our steam a little at a time, than be a pot boiling over. Yes, you get boiling water either way you do it, but usually with the tea pot, no one gets scalded.

Honest with my emotions has not come easy to me. I've always been able to touch on my sadness or frustration which led to anger, but I've just recently been able to feel hurt. That sounds pretty weird, but I don't believe I ever just felt hurt without jumping instantly to being angry. Same with my sadness or frustration. Now that I can feel hurt and stay in that moment, I can bypass the anger by allowing the other person to approach me without the fear of me going off on them with my anger or frustration. Of course this has taken years for me to get the hang of, but it sure helps with Dave.

He still doesn't understand, and I doubt he ever will totally, what it means to be like I am. He's a great guy and tries to be understanding and encouraging, but he says all the wrong things with the best of intentions. Reminds me of myself actually. But with my new understanding of how most of the population sees us, he's just like them and I have to give him the grace that I hope and pray he gives me. I also now have the ability to tell him how much I appreciate his encouragement, but that what he is saying is not helping me any. It might hurt his feelings a bit, but at least it doesn't send me into a tizzy thinking how thoughtless he is about who I am.

I guess the most important part is that I'm ok with who I am and I no longer focus on the how badly I'm doing. I see the many gifts that I've been given and point those out to myself and others as much as possible. Especially when I'm asking for help. It's ok for me not to be good at everything or to know everything. Even if I do... hee hee... In fact I know I don't know everything and it's ok to ask questions... as long as I take a deep breath and listen well. Something else I'm getting better at, or so I hope.

It's hard when I see life through Hobo Kelly Glasses... a world transformed by color and imaginary things that come to life. The interest in the adventure and the quest for something new that never ends is a bonus in my life. I'm not afraid of much simply because I see life as one big adventure and you just never know what's around the corner. It's about taking the opportunities that come you way, but also allowing others to share in them as well. It's about not taking yourself or others for that matter, too seriously as we are human and are intrinsically different for many reasons.

Finding out that the world does not revolve around me has been a blow to my own ego, but then again, it's all perspective. If I allow others to be a part of my world, then we all grow because of the shared experiences. Whether they are bad or good, we can all learn from one another. It's when we close ourselves off out of shame, frustration, anger or pity, that we lose out on the gift that God has blessed us with and those gifts from other people as well. So what if we aren't Atlas holding the entire world by our own hands... why not just be one of the many boats on the sea, not in a race to see who's better, but instead as a caravan of sightseers out for a morning sail? Again it comes down to perspective...

If I could help anyone, it would be to be able to open up their perspective to the many options available to us. Not everyone sees the same, smells the same or tastes the same even if they are looking at the same thing, around the same aromas or eating the same food. And yet, all that we see can be beautiful, smell wonderful or taste scrumptious. To deny one person of these things would be wrong! So what if I think onions smell hideous? To most people, they are yummy... I need not go into too many other distinctions as you get the point...

Opening up and accepting myself for all my faults is one thing, but to open myself up and see all the wondrous things that lay inside of me, is what I'm in the process of doing at this point in my life. And it's amazing at how much more I understand, accept and have empathy and compassion for in others because of it.

The fact is, I'm never going to be perfect or worse yet, "normal". But I can take all the good within me and bring it to the forefront for all to see. It's like being a piece of the puzzle of life... I'm just one piece, but I only fit into one space and not unlike the other pieces, I have my place just where I'm supposed to be. This type of acceptance has helped me to rewrite my own internal negativism that has been and still in some small ways continues to rewind in my own head. But over coming that is what I cheer myself on to, as it's what's make me "normal".