I want to go home, God am I done yet?

As a Christian that believes in heaven, I want to go there right now and that's ok. I'm not suicidal, just happy to know that I have a Savior that will be my advocate there at the end. But I'm sure that I have a place already, because the Bible tells me so and I believe. And why not? It makes sense of the nonsense in this world...

So when do I get to go home? What is so special about me that I need to stay? I ask this of God and many other things each and everyday. And he gives me the mercy and the grace to make it through another day. But I wonder at all the pain I've had to endure... and yet my Savior endured more...

Being transparent now-a-days is tougher than you'd think. I get taken advantage of, lied to, abused, and beaten down each and everyday it seems by this world we live in. And I wonder why me? If I am so smart, then why me? And what does being smart have to do with being good?

I look back at my life, at where I started and where I've been. The memories I wonder now if they were ever true? I've been told by a few people lately, that I don't live in reality... well just what do I live in then?

When I was molested at the age of 11, my Mom told me that it never happened and I got punished for lying... maybe that's when it started... or when I was raped at the age of 16 and once again my Mom didn't believe me. I didn't tell her directly this time, I told my Aunt whom I love dearly simply because she accepts me for me. My Mom was really mad at me for that for years as it turned out. Not telling her that is, but my Aunt. She couldn't understand why I didn't tell her.

It wasn't until I was 36, she was giving me back my High School things that I had stored there. As I was going through my old school chum photos, one in particular sprang up to the top quite quickly. I turned it over... on the back was written, Dear Mel, Sorry for what I did, hope you have a good life. Richard. It was his High School Prom picture.

I took a deep breath and asked my Mom in a gentle voice if she remembered this guy. She took one look and rolled her eyes at me as if to say "There she goes again with the rape story"... but I asked her to read what was written on the back. I watched her reaction turn from disgust to horror and then the brick wall that had been between us all those years crumbled. I finally had my Mom, the one I needed all those years when we never got along. She knew then that I had not lied, and I was there to hold her as it all sunk in.

When I was 35 I had major surgery to repair a damaged nerve in my neck. I was going to need someone to take care of me for at least 10 days after I got out of the hospital. The first person is your Mom... but I was so afraid she wouldn't want to come or make up some excuse not to be able to, that I couldn't ask her. I was so afraid of her rejection of me even then. But my family stepped in and she was there for me. It was hard for us at first... she sorta needed someone to watch out for her health as well, so we managed together. The best thing I got to share with her was to tell her that she was not a bad Mom. And that I was not a bad kid because of her. I just didn't fit into the box everybody seems to want to put me in all the time. When she left at the end of that visit, I missed my Mommy for the first time in years.

When I got to hold her after giving her the picture to read, it all sunk in... It wasn't about me at this point anymore, it was about my Mom.

Do you think God knew that I'd be able to handle all of that just to save my Mom? Was that one of the many purposes I have here still? To help others find the way?

The way you ask, is to forgiveness. First is to let God forgive you, then allow yourself to forgive you and for you to forgive others. That's the hardest part and I still struggle with that today. I wonder at how I'm going to get through things and I doubt God. Not a good thing to do by the way, because as much you might hate it, He's the one in control of your life.

Go ahead laugh... but where is your life headed if he's not in control? If you go about choosing what is real to you or for others, do you think years later you'll get the chance like my Mom and I did? That was a miracle friends, pure and simple. A God planned miracle that was begun years ago. And when my Mom was strong enough, he allowed her to heal from that pain she had been carrying all her life. I know that pain, because I carried it too.

After I was saved, it took me 3 years to stop reacting to my Mom and it took her another 3 years to notice that I stopped reacting and was calmer instead. The last years of her life I wasn't around because I was on my own journey at the time. It wasn't long after I got married that she passed away. At least she got to see the last of us kids married. I was the hold out... I was 39 by the time I thought God had brought me my soul mate. I was wrong of course but didn't have the filter in place to see through a charmer and control freak.

God has a way of closing one door and opening another. For some reason I replaced the bad relationship with my Mom for a bad relationship with my new husband. So I wonder what I learned in all of it to be honest some times... but I see now that once again, because of the way God has made me, I withstood another test and growth period in my life. I wish it wasn't so painful again or costly financially, but hey, I know it could have been worse. I don't think at this point that I was there for his good, maybe mine then.

Relationship - something that I am to learn this time around before I go home.

Filters - something I'm lacking in, and yet, some how God made me this way... so what for?

So I'm good with animals and kids...oh and computers darn it. But I'm no genius... I think I can write, but well you have to be the judge of that. I try to use humor to lighten things up, but even then it's hard sometimes, even for me. So what is my passion? What is my desire?

I wait upon God for my path to unveil before me. And as miracles never cease, it does just in time. So I struggle with contentment while I wait, I suppose, just like everyone else. But how do we know, I mean for sure, it's the right path? I need my filters please!

I think because I was abused as a child and then again as a teen, my reality is a bit askew and my filters were messed with majorly. I don't want to think the worst, but it seems to happen. I always go in with the hope it will all work out, but since I was twelve, I just know some things are gonna turn out the way it's been shown to me. I don't know the time, but I know it will happen. I've caught myself at times, including a time when I pulled my cousin into the mix and told him not to move as I told him with my eyes closed exactly what was going to happen seconds before it did and that it was very important that I hold onto him while it happens so that the bad thing won't happen. That time I was given the ability to change the way I had seen it prior, because I saw the ending before it happened and was able to avoid it.

You might say wow, or that's just a story. And you could be right, but why would I lie about that? It doesn't make me important, it was just one of many instances in my troubled life where I think God gave me a vision of hope or a path to follow. Sometimes it happens so that I'm prepared for what will happen. It doesn't always make it easier, but it helps I suppose. It sure got my cousins attention though... we had a new understanding of each other after that.

Garbage in, garbage out theory... purge it all from yourself and then be done with it... wouldn't that be great if it was so neat and tidy like my Mom seemed to think about it all? I mean if you never tell anyone, did it really happen? And if you aren't believed, did it really happen? What if you didn't come across a picture later on in life as I did to prove that you weren't crazy all those years after all? What if you didn't have a cousin who was there for you? Who believes you?

I know God does. I know God loves me because of the way I am, not the way I am not. I know God will never forsake me or leave me, because like the birds of the field, he will care for me as well. And he has...

You wonder I bet at how people can believe in a God who allows bad things to happen to good people. If he didn't who would share his story? Who would profess his miracles even today? The Bible is full of miracles and signs and prophecy. What makes us think that just because Jesus is gone, that all the miracles ceased happening? We need to look for them and unfortunately, they usually follow pain, hurt, loss and desperation. But they are there... and so is Hope.

So what to do now... I'm hurt, I'm lost, and I'm alone. Oh and broke, and I mean totally... living off the charity of others is pretty humbling, but I didn't realize I needed to be poor like this. And my life isn't all that bad, or as bad as it could be or is for other people. But that doesn't make it any easier for me right now.

Why is it that it is so hard for me to ask for help? Am I that afraid of rejection? of not being worthy enough? or do I feel like what his lawyer said to me in court, "that I'm just a sponge off of society"... pretty hard for me to understand when I've had a job since I was 11 and have not gone longer than 3 months without a job before and that was because I was vacationing. So how does someone who's never been around me for more than 3 days in a row, wait, we spent 5 days together in a row twice in 6 years of marriage, know me enough to judge me? And then to put that out there in court for it to be of public record forever? What gives him the right to do that to me? And why does it still bother me when I know it is not true... the many lies that either were ignored or found out about too late. Why ask then if it's just going to be a lie anyway? what a tough way to think... a bit askew maybe?

I'm feeling a bit jaded I suppose, although I'm trying not to at the same time. It's me working through it all I suppose as well. This bitterness has to end! The control it has over my emotions is racking me, for sure!

So I pray, I write, I purge what is on the inside, out. God, am I done yet? When do I get to come home?