ADHD - Can you relate?

Inside - out seems to be a popular term for ADHD'rs who want the world to know that we are who we are and in most cases, we are extremely sorry for it and how it affects those around us.

These books may help in understanding ADHD as well:

Is It you, me or ADHD?
You mean I'm not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy? - Kate Kelly and Peggy Ramundo
Honey, Are you Listening? - Dr. Rick Fowler & Jerilyn Fowler
Driven to Distraction - Dr. Hallowell

There are a few more, but thought these would get you started. There is tons of info on ADHD now more than before. I think a lot of us that were undiagnosed for years are finally looking for answers as to why we have had such a struggle in life. The loss of jobs, the loss of friendships, the inability to keep our home, finances and our lives in line with what is considered to be "Normal" has finally put a toll on our relationships, financial status or self esteem.

It's truly amazing at how many kids in my age bracket that went undiagnosed or mis-diagnosed for years. It's only after those around us finally give up on us, or something tramatic takes place that makes us take a long hard look at why we can't seem to fit in.

I'm fortunate than most that I had the parents I had, not to mention my siblings and family that have loved me through the worst of times. They are the ones that have kept me from going over the edge and have loved me through it all. Now as I learn more and grow with my disorder, they are the ones that appreciate me the most as well. They see the changes in me and in some cases are astonished at how well I cope with things now.

Part of that is that I just don't give a damn about what others think about me anymore. Well, not as much as I used to. I have this sense about me that I'm ok and that it's ok if people don't like me. But since adopting that persona, more people seem to be drawn to me. Funny how that works. I also am not afraid to accept my limitations and ask for help instead of steam rolling people. I think that has gone a lot further than I ever thought possible. I never realized how pushy I was or demanding. UGH... Makes me cringe to think back at how I appeared to others when I was in my work mode!

I've also started making my own rules about things that I can control. Especially when it comes to projects. Instead of having a ton of them going on all at once, I try and limit myself to only 3. And when I finish one, then I get to start another one. This keeps me interested in all three, but not over whelmed to where I just give up completely. There are many life skills that I've learned and have used for years that I'm bringing back to the forefront of my life. Things that worked for me when I was younger, but just set aside thinking I was "ok" and didn't need them anymore. Talk about a false sense of security. It was hard for me to admit that I need structure in my life, although I despise it immensely.

I also went back to my child hood to find out what my currency was. That is to say, what makes me feel appreciated enough so that I do finish things. What is my reward system for following through. That is a huge thing for most ADHD'rs. Once you find the currency for motivation, then you've hit the nail on the head. For me it was being able to have friends over or go out to play. My room had to be clean turned into the house being picked up. Having my chores done before I was allowed to go out to the movies or spend time with a book. Things like that have worked for me as well as buying stuff. Since I'm not working, the guilt from spending money we don't really have has been heavy on my heart. So I'm back into making things with all the stuff I already have. And believe me, I have tons of stuff. I've also decided to start giving things away or selling them if I haven't used them in the past 5 years. What's the point to having stuff when you die anyway? More crap for your family to sort out, like what happened when my Mom passed away.

So I get to be a blessing to others by giving them a piece of me. It sounds pretty selfish in a way, but all in all, it's being used by someone who really needs it. That's the way I look at it at least. I get to smile inside when I see something I've given away being used too, but I no longer have to point out that I gave it to them and then make it about me, instead of my heart for God. This was a huge thing for me as I never realized I did that! Talk about a huge feeling of OMG!

There are also many ways in which we tend to look at ourselves that cause us to not place a value on ourselves as we should. It's as if we value others more than ourselves simply because they are "normal" and we aren't. Even if we haven't been diagnosed, there is this feeling that we are different that plagues us. It's what makes us try so hard, push so hard, and fail so hard.

The problem is compounded by the fact that we've heard all our lives that we just need to try harder, to just do it the right way, to not over do it, that we are lazy, selfish or worse. Because inside we are trying very very hard to be just like everybody else. But we can't see how they do it simply because our brains are hard wired differently.

And unfortunately, our gifts usually lay outside of the box and so go unnoticed by most people and mostly by ourselves. I've asked myself this question so often in my life.... Why can I do somethings really easy, the things that come hard to most, and yet simply miss the point on the simplest things according to what everybody else gets so easily?

Take for example being on time. I've always been early. You know why? Because I hate being late because I remember how it affects other people. So I've always planned in an extra 30 mins into my time frame. However, most ADHD'rs don't care or don't take the time to notice how their being late affects other people or their jobs.

Another example would be my perfectionist "Find Waldo" ability. It centers around the fact that because I'm always sifting through loads of chaos in my head and coming out the other end, I have the ability to sift through the many distract-able things and focus on what I'm looking for. Hence the strips on the hat... being able to hyper focus at will allows me to find waldo quickly.

Or the memory game... It's not that I remember all the items, but that I remember what the picture looked like and can replay it in my head to find all the items. I've been doing that since school when I'd draw shapes and put my notes into them. When it came to tests, all I had to do was remember what was in the shapes and I'd ace the test. It wasn't the actual statistics that I remembered, it was the way I remembered them.

Things like that have helped me, while other things have continued to be a hindrance. While my perfectionism works great with finding waldo, it's horrible when it comes to getting things done. This of course is the antithesis of my procrastination. I will put off what needs to get done until either I have the time or am running out of time to do it right the first time. Simply because doing it half way isn't acceptable to me. Pretty tough on myself, and harder on others that have to deal with my procrastination. That or the opposite rings true... I'm so focused on getting it done on time that I push others to meet my time schedule which of course never ends well when it comes to making friends. This of course I've tempered with, it will get done when it gets done... or I plan ahead a week so that I don't get rushed at the last minute. I also ask for a lot of help now instead of internalizing my frustrations until I blow up.

I've realized it's much better to be a tea kettle that slowly lets our steam a little at a time, than be a pot boiling over. Yes, you get boiling water either way you do it, but usually with the tea pot, no one gets scalded.

Honest with my emotions has not come easy to me. I've always been able to touch on my sadness or frustration which led to anger, but I've just recently been able to feel hurt. That sounds pretty weird, but I don't believe I ever just felt hurt without jumping instantly to being angry. Same with my sadness or frustration. Now that I can feel hurt and stay in that moment, I can bypass the anger by allowing the other person to approach me without the fear of me going off on them with my anger or frustration. Of course this has taken years for me to get the hang of, but it sure helps with Dave.

He still doesn't understand, and I doubt he ever will totally, what it means to be like I am. He's a great guy and tries to be understanding and encouraging, but he says all the wrong things with the best of intentions. Reminds me of myself actually. But with my new understanding of how most of the population sees us, he's just like them and I have to give him the grace that I hope and pray he gives me. I also now have the ability to tell him how much I appreciate his encouragement, but that what he is saying is not helping me any. It might hurt his feelings a bit, but at least it doesn't send me into a tizzy thinking how thoughtless he is about who I am.

I guess the most important part is that I'm ok with who I am and I no longer focus on the how badly I'm doing. I see the many gifts that I've been given and point those out to myself and others as much as possible. Especially when I'm asking for help. It's ok for me not to be good at everything or to know everything. Even if I do... hee hee... In fact I know I don't know everything and it's ok to ask questions... as long as I take a deep breath and listen well. Something else I'm getting better at, or so I hope.

It's hard when I see life through Hobo Kelly Glasses... a world transformed by color and imaginary things that come to life. The interest in the adventure and the quest for something new that never ends is a bonus in my life. I'm not afraid of much simply because I see life as one big adventure and you just never know what's around the corner. It's about taking the opportunities that come you way, but also allowing others to share in them as well. It's about not taking yourself or others for that matter, too seriously as we are human and are intrinsically different for many reasons.

Finding out that the world does not revolve around me has been a blow to my own ego, but then again, it's all perspective. If I allow others to be a part of my world, then we all grow because of the shared experiences. Whether they are bad or good, we can all learn from one another. It's when we close ourselves off out of shame, frustration, anger or pity, that we lose out on the gift that God has blessed us with and those gifts from other people as well. So what if we aren't Atlas holding the entire world by our own hands... why not just be one of the many boats on the sea, not in a race to see who's better, but instead as a caravan of sightseers out for a morning sail? Again it comes down to perspective...

If I could help anyone, it would be to be able to open up their perspective to the many options available to us. Not everyone sees the same, smells the same or tastes the same even if they are looking at the same thing, around the same aromas or eating the same food. And yet, all that we see can be beautiful, smell wonderful or taste scrumptious. To deny one person of these things would be wrong! So what if I think onions smell hideous? To most people, they are yummy... I need not go into too many other distinctions as you get the point...

Opening up and accepting myself for all my faults is one thing, but to open myself up and see all the wondrous things that lay inside of me, is what I'm in the process of doing at this point in my life. And it's amazing at how much more I understand, accept and have empathy and compassion for in others because of it.

The fact is, I'm never going to be perfect or worse yet, "normal". But I can take all the good within me and bring it to the forefront for all to see. It's like being a piece of the puzzle of life... I'm just one piece, but I only fit into one space and not unlike the other pieces, I have my place just where I'm supposed to be. This type of acceptance has helped me to rewrite my own internal negativism that has been and still in some small ways continues to rewind in my own head. But over coming that is what I cheer myself on to, as it's what's make me "normal".