Can't fit into the "box"

Society infers that there are these lines, invisible lines mind you, that you aren't supposed to cross. (You will find that my sarcasm comes through in moments like these...) if they are invisible, how are we supposed to see them when they move or change as we get older and begin to include friends of different cultures, backgrounds and schooling? And how do you remember where they are to begin with?

Be polite, don't interrupt - sit still, pay attention - think before you speak, don't blurt out - answer the question, don't give too much information - if you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all - listen to others, but don't offer you opinions. When someone wants your opinion, they will ask you for it. (no body ever does though) The list can go on and on...and it leaves me in the dark unable to distinguish the invisible lines and social cues.

I've been told over and over again how one "should" act in social situations, but I find myself sitting outside the box, each and every time. It's as if the "box" is far too small for me to even dip my foot into. So instead, I put my foot in my mouth and hobble along. All the while, the box is sitting over there in the middle of the room taunting me to fit into it.

In school, I heard from my teachers that I wasn't living up to my potential. I was "the" disruptive influence in the class, no matter where they had me sit. I just wanted to be cool and popular, and yet I never made it into any one crowd. Instead I floated from one to the other, never staying too long for fear of offending or annoying the few friends that I had.

From the very first day of Kindergarten that "Social Box" was in place. That ever present feeling that you had to fit in no matter what the cost still haunts me today. Everybody else seemed to be able to recognize that this "box" was there, but it was as invisible to me as a black cat is in the dark. If you blinked you would fall over it each and every time, never being able to catch it. Teachers and other kids constantly pointed out that it's over there, just go over and get it. (with the implication that we were stupid for not being able to see it) However, when you have no comprehension or ability to see something invisible in the dark, it's even harder to comprehend that you can just go over and get into it.(*more on how I have tried in a later post) A bit of a dichotomy here. invisible, dark, finding it, then getting into it, but it's invisible and I'm in the dark and I can't fit into it because it's invisible.....yet everybody else seems to have no problem finding it or fitting into it. Am I the only one in the dark looking for something invisible and is it really invisible or is it just me?

You will find that most of my life has been living on both sides of a very thin line or proverbial "fence" called acceptance and rejection. And all this hoping back and forth from one side to the other of an invisible line is finally wearing me out. What's the point of trying so hard to be on the correct side of it, when you really can't see which side your on to begin with? And who was the master mind as to which side of an invisible line was the acceptable one to begin with? I suppose I could blame the British and the well breed part of society. For centuries they've blurred the lines for us, but then again, I came from good British Stock and was raised in an affluent neighborhood...

If no one ever reads this blog, that's ok. I'm not writing so that I fit into a box or stay on the right side of the acceptability fence. These are my dreams, wishes, thoughts (very random at times), opinions, stories of my life and most of all my outlook on my life of trying to fit into a magical "box", or find it to begin with, so that I will be "normal". (more on what's normal in another post)

I'm the only "normal" I know and I think I'm an ok person. Most people never take the time to really get to know me. That can be my fault, isn't everything, because I get so nervous in groups. Even after all these years I just talk and talk because I'm so uncomfortable with the silence. My mind races with thoughts of how I might have offended someone, so you'd think that I wouldn't say a word. Well, there are some out there, like my Dad, who don't say much. They have resigned themselves to the fact that everybody is an idiot, but choose to be polite and keep their opinions to themselves. It's taken him over 40 years to share with me how much he admires my ability to express myself regardless of the consequences.

If he only knew how much pain I've caused myself. But then again, he's in his own version of the same pain, just on the other side of the "invisible" fence. He never attempted to fit inside the "box". He figured why hang out with the Idiots? Gotta love that dichotomy...

Do you find it hard to fit into society's invisible box? Have you ever seen it?

Do you feel like everyone else are idiots, but you're the one that seems to be the failure?

Have a problem staying on topic in conversations due to distractions that take you on tangents that become long run on sentences in your head but only parts of it come out your mouth leaving everyone else around you in the dust?

Have you embarrassed others around you by blurting out what pops into your head without any filtering process taking place?

For most people, they have never had to think about questions like this. For someone like me, diagnosed with ASD at 54, these questions and more are an everyday process of the perpetual 3 year old within, I just want to find the actual "box" or go to the greener side of the "fence". I understand concepts, but this one has had me perplexed since childhood.